


A Journey To The Light

by Reidyouwroteyou



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Choking, Cunnilingus, Dominant Kylo Ren, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff, Force Choking (Star Wars), Gratuitous Smut, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Jedi, Jedi Ben Solo, Jedi Reader, Kylo Ren Has Issues, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Kylo Ren Redemption, Kylo Ren is Not Nice, Light BDSM, Mildly Dubious Consent, Oral Sex, Protective Kylo Ren, Redeemed Ben Solo, Regular chapter updates, Rough Sex, SO MUCH FLUFF, Sexual Tension, Shameless Smut, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow build is worth it for the smut i promise, Smut, So many Ben Solo feels, So much angst, Unhealthy Relationships, Young Ben Solo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:22:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 27,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24691483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Reidyouwroteyou/pseuds/Reidyouwroteyou
Summary: You were one of the children Luke Skywalker took to be a part of his new Jedi Order. You trained alongside his nephew, Ben Solo, who became your first and only friend in the temple.But he became lost to the dark side. Your friend had died and Kylo Ren took his place.You knew there was still light inside of Kylo Ren, so you decide to infiltrate the First Order from within, hoping to awaken that light.Will Kylo join you, or will you fall to the dark side along with him?(This is a reader fic, but I won't use Y/N in dialogue :))
Relationships: Ben Solo & Reader, Ben Solo & You, Ben Solo/Reader, Ben Solo/You, Kylo Ren & Reader, Kylo Ren & You, Kylo Ren/Reader, Kylo Ren/You
Comments: 60
Kudos: 94





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you enjoy! I will be updating regularly so stay tuned!

Ben Solo was your friend. Or at least he used to be. That was years ago now, you were just kids when you met. You had heard whispers through the galaxy that he had long since changed his name. It became harder and harder to deny that your once close friend was now the commander of the first order. For many years, you had tried to hold onto your memories of Ben. You refused to believe that Ben was now the one they call Kylo Ren.

But now, you had accepted it. Ben Solo, your friend, was dead. He had been replaced by that monster Kylo Ren. You had seen it with your own eyes, all those years ago.

\-------‐-‐‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 

Ever since you were a child you knew you were different. Your parents were scared of what you could do. They were scared of your abilities. The signs were small at first, normally only happening when your emotions were heightened. Things would move without you having to touch them, and fragile items would shatter when you cried.

When you were around 8, you started to be able to feel when these episodes were approaching and you were able to control them. Slightly.

Your emotions only became more unpredictable as you grew older and your parents became more wary of your 'powers'. They pushed you away. They forced you to tend to the few animals you had on your property. You barely saw them during the day and they tried their best to avoid you if they could.

Then, when you were 10, a mysterious man in a long robe arrived at your door. Not surprisingly, your mother and father were eager to let you go with the mystical man and you never looked back.

Many people might have felt somewhat abandoned if it were their parents. But you never had a connection with them, they all but pushed you out of the door when the man offered to take you. You weren't sad to say goodbye to your parents, the life this man promised you seemed like a fairytale and you were eager to start your new life without them.

This man, who you now know as Luke Skywalker, welcomed you into his new Jedi academy. You were one of a dozen students that Master Luke brought to his new Jedi temple.

Almost immediately, you became the outcast of the group. All the other students already had some prior knowledge of what they called 'the force' and they idolised Master Luke for his triumph in the Galactic War. You, on the other hand, grew up on a tiny planet in the outer rim. These stories and legends never reached your tiny hut of a home.

You imagined that your parents may have known about the fallen Jedi order, and maybe that was the reason they were so frightened of you. But you were a lonely child, no friends or other family who could pass these stories on to you.

This only made you feel more alienated from the other students. You were never good at making friends, but now you were even more of an outsider than before.

It seemed to you that the other students had already practiced with the force, leaving you the only one who had no skills whatsoever.

Master Luke tried his best to make you comfortable but children can be mean. They teased you almost every day, like when you couldn't lift a rock or when you fell during fight practice. They even tried to lock you in the cave on Illum when you searched for your own kyber crystal. Luckily you got out just before the cave closed with only a few seconds to spare.

Then there was one day. About a month after arriving at the temple. You were sat alone in a secluded corner of the island behind a large rock formation. This area of the island always helped you clear your mind, especially after a particularly hard day.

Breathing in the fresh air and watching the ripples of the waves below you always helped calm yourself. On that special day, you were nibbling on some bread that you had taken from the recreational space. Students were only supposed to eat in the designated area, but you found it more relaxing to eat on your own. You were lost in your own thoughts when you felt the energy around you change. Someone was walking close to you, so you tried to stash your food away before they saw.

You looked up frantically behind the rocks and your eyes met those of another student. Ben Solo. He looked at you sheepishly, awkwardly playing with his hands at his sides. Ben was the only student there that hadn’t teased you, so you smiled at him timidly.

“Do you mind if I sit here?” He asked quietly. You nodded and he took a seat next to you on the clearing of grass. There was an awkward silence between you, neither one of you wanting to start a conversation.

You had learned in your first few days at the temple, that Ben Solo was Luke Skywalker’s nephew. He had made some friends but he wasn’t exactly popular among the students. They thought that Master Luke was more lenient on him because he was family. You understood slightly why they thought that, Ben always received more praise from his uncle than the other students. That never really bothered you, you thought it was only natural that his uncle was proud of him. Especially because he was the most talented of the students.

“Why are you sat up here alone?” Ben asked and your head turned to look at him. He also had brought some food with him. You took out the food that you had been hiding behind you back and you saw a shy smile form on his lips.

“I like to bring my lunch up here. It’s better than the recreational room.” You replied. This was the first time you had spoken to Ben Solo. He seemed friendly. He had kind eyes, the amber colour only adding to the warmth in his gaze. Every one of the students was around the same age, Ben was only a year older than you.

“I don’t like the recreational room much either... I hope you don’t mind if I join you up here sometimes?” Ben spoke.

“Of course not. It’s nice to have company.” You smiled back at him. The both of you sat in silence and ate, staring at the sea below you.

From that day, it became a routine to sit on those rocks and eat your lunch next to Ben Solo. He became your friend. Your first and only friend. After a few weeks of awkward silences, you started to talk to each other. The both of you exchanged stories about your family and home. He obviously had more to share, and you found it comforting to hear about a family that truly cared about their child.

Sometimes, Ben would talk about how he resented his parents for sending him away. You always tried to tell him that they knew what was best for him, but even though he listened he never seemed truly convinced.

From what Ben told you, he had a happy life with his parents. He had a strong bond with his father, Han and he loved his mother, Leia, more than anything. It was around this time that Ben told you all about the Galactic War and how his mother, father and uncle were all heroes. You could see in the way Ben told you these stories that he idolised them. He was always so passionate telling those stories that you could only laugh at his goofy retellings of battles and duels.

The both of you spent hours running around the island, mimicking the sounds of the fighter jets and pretending to duel each other. You were just kids then. Things were simpler.

After a few years, the training became more intense. Now you were duelling with the lightsabers you had each created after finding your crystals on Illum. The rocks you lifted were now boulders and the teachings became harder. With the help of Ben, you had finally started to become comfortable with the force and you were now one of the top students alongside Ben.

The years passed slowly, now you were no longer children, but young adults. Your friendship with Ben had remained strong and each of you helped each other through the training. Although the days of pretending to fly in X-wings were long gone, you and Ben always found time to laugh and joke with each other.

Master Luke soon noticed yours and Ben’s friendship and usually paired you up in tasks. It was easier for you and Ben to work together and you found that your powers were strongest when you were together.

Then, when you turned 21 and Ben 22 you began to drift apart. You spent hours dwelling on what might have caused this to happen but you never found an answer. No matter how hard you tried to fix things, Ben kept pushing you away. You even confided in Master Luke, asking how to make things right with Ben but he just told you to trust in the force.

Whenever you saw Ben around the temple, you tried to make conversation with him but he seemed disinterested in whatever you had to say. When you looked into his eyes, they were no longer the amber you used to see, they were darker now. The warmth had faded and you could only see conflict in his eyes. Master Luke sensed it too.

After a year of trying to get through to Ben, you were defeated. Most days were spent thinking of ways to fix things. Eventually, you began to mourn the friendship you had. You had become attached to him, you loved him. Love was something you never really felt as a child and the only time you ever felt close to what could be love was when you were with him. Maybe you were too young and naive to know what love was, but every day spent apart from him felt like another day wasted.

Then, that night happened. The night when everything changed. It seemed like just another day, you trained, ate and went to bed like any other day. But then, the screaming started.

You weren’t sure when you had woken up but you heard building collapsing, screaming and then, silence. Your hand hovered over your lightsaber, ready to attack. But you hesitated. Maybe if you hadn’t hesitated things might have been different.

The walls around you caved and you were trapped under the rubble. Your head collided with one of the stones from the wall, knocking you unconscious.

When you awoke, you could only just see the expanse of the island. Your body mostly covered in the rubble, but your head free to move and see above the wreckage.

Every building on the island was in flames. It was unrecognisable. Ash and falling embers surrounded you, consumed your senses making it hard to breathe. You tried to scream for help but you only managed to wheeze and stutter. The weight of the building on top of you felt as though it was cutting of the air to your lungs.

A figure loomed to your left, standing tall in front of the destroyed temple. You could see from their back and shoulders that it was Ben. He was okay.

“B-Ben... please.” You wheezed, your hand stretching out for him.

His body turned towards you, the outline of his figure surrounded by the crumbling temple behind him. Ben walked towards you but when he reached you, you could no longer see Ben. This wasn’t the Ben you knew.

His skin was colourless, his eyes almost black and his stance foreign to you. He looked down at you under his nose. His robes were torn and his hair matted, his fists balled at his sides. The memory of young Ben awkwardly shifting his hands at his sides as he asked you if he could sit with you flashed before you. Tears stung at your eyes when you realised this person in front of you was no longer the young boy who you once called your friend.

“Help m-me... P-please Ben.” You pleaded.

“I’m sorry...” his eyes flickered for a second and you saw a frightened boy. But he quickly composed himself.

“I can’t help you.” He spat. His jaw clenched and his hands shaking. He took one last look at you before walking away.

That was the last time you saw Ben Solo.

You never knew how you made it off that island alive. One second you were under rubble, you remember passing out not long after Ben left. You weren’t sure how much time had passed, but you woke up under the care of some nurses from the mainland. They must have found you there and taken you back to their hospital on the mainland a few hundred miles from the Jedi temple.

It had taken a few months to get back on your feet but once you were back to good health you weren’t sure where to go from there. Luke Skywalker was gone, the other Jedi were dead and Ben Solo was lost to the dark side.

You spent a year or so travelling, trying to find your place in the galaxy. Eventually, you heard news of the new commander of the first order, Kylo Ren, a ruthless force-sensitive man. Something inside you knew it was Ben. From the stories that were told about him, you knew that this new Kylo Ren had consumed every part of what Ben used to be. But Ben had to be in there somewhere. You knew there would always be some light inside of him.

That was when you decided to join the first order. Not because you wanted to, no. You couldn’t despise the cause more even if you tried but you knew it would get you closer to Ben, or Kylo as he called himself now. Even if there was a slight chance of Kylo falling back to the light side, you had to try. For the sake of the galaxy.

You have spent the last two years training in the first order academy, under a false name of course. Forging some documents along the way made it easier for you to climb the ranks quickly and you were on your way to becoming an assistant nurse for the first order. It seemed ambitious at first, but you always had a passion to help others. Well back home, it was more about helping and taking care of animals but even that seemed to help you along the way to become a nurse.

The first order, it seemed, were fairly lax on who they let join the nursing team. They were screaming out for help, so you took your chance when you could.

You hoped this hadn’t all been for nothing. But in truth, you hadn’t thought much about what you plan to do when you finally see Kylo Ren. He might kill you on sight, but you held out hope that there is still some light in him.

Even after all these years, you still felt a small tether holding you to him. The connection between you was holding on by a thread, but it was still there. You tried, every night, to pull on that string, hoping for him to tug back. But he never did.

And now here you are, five years after Ben fell to the dark side and it’s the night before you were set to be shipped out to the Starkiller base. All the anxiety that you had been building up for the past five years consumed you as you lay in your quarters of the academy. This was everything you had been working towards so you can’t back out now, not when you’re so close.

Taking a deep breath, you focus your mind on the force. You allow yourself to be soothed by the energy around you and you trust that the force will guide you through your journey. Your journey back to Ben.

You reached out to the connection holding you to him, one last time. You tugged and you tried to shine your energy brighter than ever before. But there was nothing. No reply. No Ben.

You sigh and pull the scratchy covers to your chin. Tomorrow, you tell yourself, tomorrow is the day you will be one step closer to him. One step closer to saving him.

“I’m coming, Ben...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments always appreciated!! And any feedback 🤗


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy!!

Your sleep was rudely interrupted by relentless banging on your door. The quarters you had been living in for the past year, if you could even call them that, was just a simple box room. A small cot in one corner and a small sink in the other. The shower rooms were communal, it wasn’t the greatest but you made do with what you had. 

Once you had registered that someone was trying to enter your room, you realised today was the day. The day you get shipped off to Starkiller base. You sleepily stumbled to the door when it suddenly hissed and flew open. A stormtrooper, blaster in hand stared , down at you. 

“We will be departing in 15 minutes. Have your belongings ready and report to the launch pad promptly.” His modulated voice spoke. You simply nodded and he left down the hall to the next room., 

You had packed your belongings the night before, you didn’t have many, to begin with. The First Order didn’t allow their employees to possess many items so, the only thing you had to pack was the very small amount of clothes that you kept tucked away under your bed. Oh, and your lightsaber. That was more difficult to hide. 

So far, you had managed to hide your saber under clothes or tucked away at the bottom of a bag. But you knew that this time, the checks would be more thorough. You didn’t have a plan on how to hide it yet, so you hid it under your clothes in the simple rucksack you had been given. 

Changing out of your night clothes and into a First Order standard uniform, you were ready in only a few minutes. The launchpad was a small walk from your room so you made your way there slowly. You saw a few of the other nurses from the academy also walking in the same direction. But just like when you were at the Jedi temple, you hadn’t made any friends here. You spent a lot of time on your own, but this time voluntarily. Making friends meant risking their lives if they ever found out your secret. 

You were lonely, but out of choice. Your mind was focussed on one thing. Finding Ben. 

Your heart hammered in your chest as you approached the launch pad. Finally, after all these years, you were getting somewhere. 

The transport ship came into view and you joined the single-file line to get on. Peeking over the shoulder of the girl in front of you, you noticed the stormtroopers were checking everyone’s bag as they entered. This wasn’t good.

Sweat beaded on your temple as you tried to think of a way to hide your saber from them. You had to think quick. But the more you thought, the closer you came to the troopers. 

Your hands twisted in the fabric of your bag, clutching it for dear life. 

“Next.” 

The trooper guided you forward and you hesitantly made your way in front of him. He gestured with his hand towards your bag. You eyed his helmet, the blank expression only making it harder for you to stay calm. 

The second he had a hand on your bag, he was rifling through it. Pulling at every piece of clothing and you knew sooner or later he would find it. 

You looked around, the other stormtroopers were occupied with another nurse. The nurse behind you was a good distance away, so you decided to test your luck. 

“You haven’t found anything suspicious in my belongings.” You spoke calmly, waving your hand discreetly. 

The trooper’s hands stopped, and his head slowly rose to look at you. You couldn’t see the expression behind the blank mask, but you saw his shoulders relax slightly.

“I haven’t found anything suspicious in your belongings.” He repeated in a monotonous tone.

“And I’m free to go.” You tried.

“And you’re free to go.” He handed you your bag back and moved aside to let you onto the ship.

You let out a sigh of relief, tension leaving your body. Making your way through the entrance of the ship, you found where the other nurses were gathered. It was a small area of the ship, the walls lined with uncomfortable seats. 

Taking your place in one of the seats, you noticed the transport shuttle was slowly filling up. There was a group of nurses opposite you, giggling together. You watched them closely, wishing you had the confidence to talk to them. 

A sigh escaped your lips as you sunk into your seat. The engines of the transport roared to life and your chair rumbled beneath you. Suddenly, the door burst open just as the transport left the ground. A red-faced nurse walked in nervously. She looked around awkwardly, shuffling in. 

Slowly, she made her way towards you. All the other seats were taken, the only free seats were around you. People here seemed to avoid you like the plague. The nurse sat in the seat to the right of you, scrambling to strap herself in before we entered hyperspace. 

She eventually caught her breath and seemed to settle into her seat. You looked over to her and smiled, which she returned. 

“I hope you don’t mind me sitting here,” she began, “I woke up a bit late and had to run to get here.” The nurse laughed breathily, her face still flushed pink.

“Of course not.” You spoke awkwardly. Cursing yourself, you wished it was easy for you to make conversation. 

“I’ve seen you around the academy, but I never got your name.” She said after a short silence. 

“Oh, I’m uh... Miri.” You told her. This was the fake name you had been using since you joined the First Order, you couldn’t risk anyone knowing your real name. 

“I’m Cora.” She smiled brightly and you returned the smile eagerly. Cora was the first person at the academy to take their time to talk to you. She had a friendly face, bright eyes and smile. Her hair was a dusty blonde and only reached her shoulders, still messy from her rushed morning. She couldn’t have been much older than you, in fact, she looked a few years younger. Still naive, not tainted by the horrors of the galaxy. You envied her.

You appreciated her kindness but quickly snapped out of it. Forming attachments was a weakness and more importantly, it could put her in danger. Smiling politely, you turned your head away from her, ending the conversation. You knew this was hypocritical of you since the reason you were even in this position was because of your attachment to Ben. But that was different. 

The transport fell into a silence, everyone seemingly nervous to start this new chapter in their life. As the journey went on and the closer you got to Starkiller base, the more agitated you became. 

There were around 2 hours left of the journey to Starkiller. You pulled your bag closer to your chest and buried your chin in the material. Closing your eyes, you breathed slowly to calm your nerves. 

One of the first things you learned at the Jedi temple, was how to meditate. You found the skill useful in your everyday life. After everything you’d been through, you sometimes felt out of control and meditating helped to ground yourself back in reality. 

You knew you were on the right path, the force has guided you to where you are now. There was no mistaking that this was where you were supposed to be. Even when you tried to move on with your life, forget Ben Solo... the force always guided you back to this path. It provided you with opportunities and reasons to return to Ben. The force wanted you to find him, to return him to the light side. 

Reaching out again to the tether that connected you to Ben, you hoped that it would be clearer the closer you got to him. And to your surprise, it was. 

Whenever you reached out to him, you could always envision the physical string connecting you. That string had always been dull, lifeless and thin. But this time, you could feel the energy radiating from it. It was brighter now. Not blinding, but it was different. 

You tugged on the string. Maybe now it would be different. The string was still pulsating and moving slowly as you watched. It slowed to a stop. You were ready to give up when something happened. 

A powerful wave rippled through the string towards you, before you could react, the wave reached you. You could feel the energy flow through every cell of your body. It was overwhelming.

It forced the air out of your lungs and you crashed back into reality. Your eyes shot open and you gasped for breath, hunching over your bag. Cora reached out to you, placing a hand on your back. Her eyes were filled with concern.

“Miri! Are you okay?” She asked hurriedly. 

“Yeah... Uh yes, sorry. I’m fine... I just fell asleep. Bad dream I think.” You replied. 

Cora breathed out, smiling slightly at you as you sat back in your seat. 

“You scared me for a second.” Cora chuckled and you smiled back at her. 

“I scared myself too.” You laughed. 

Turning away from her once again, the smile fell from your lips. That had never happened before. Ben had responded to you... 

But no. That wasn’t Ben... that was Kylo. It was too aggressive to be Ben. You could feel the anger, the anguish in the energy. It was like he was pushing you away, telling you to leave. 

It was too late for that now, you were too close to turn back. This was going to be dangerous. Now he knows you’re coming. 

Kylo will kill you if he finds you, at least you think he will. You have to be prepared for the worst. There must be something you could do to protect yourself.

You will have to shield yourself. Over the past few years, you had used this trick here and there to hide from the First Order soldiers. Some were sent out to hunt force-sensitive beings like you. Later, you found out that they called themselves “the knights of Ren” and that Kylo Ren was their leader.

Shielding took a lot of time to master and to get right, but you knew a day would come when you needed it. Confident in your skills, you start by placing an imaginary wall around your mind, protecting yourself from any outside interference. You prevented yourself from projecting any energy through the force, making it impossible for anyone to know you were force-sensitive. 

Kylo Ren might be able to sense that you are close, but by doing this he wouldn’t be able to find you. 

The transport came out of hyperspace causing everyone around you to jolt in their seats. Time had gone by quickly, your mind had been occupied by the endless worries you have about landing on Starkiller. But you couldn’t avoid it any longer. 

You felt the transport slow and touch down in the arrival bay. Your heart was beating out of your chest, you could feel your pulse in your throat and your hands shook at your sides. 

Cora looked over to you, excitement radiating from her smile. You tried to mimic her smile but you could only form an awkward lopsided grin. She didn’t seem to notice as she rushed to her feet. 

You joined her and the other girls in an orderly queue, waiting for the doors to open. Most of the other nurses also looked as excited as Cora, but you could see the apprehension on other’s faces. 

The releases on the doors hissed as the platform lowered. You squinted as the artificial light assaulted your eyes. When your eyes adjusted you could finally see the expanse of the Starkiller base for the first time.

You and the other girls were guided off of the transport by stormtroopers. Starkiller was... magnificent. Or at least the arrival bay was. The walls we lined with TIE fighters and other First Order ships. Some, you could see were being prepped for take-off. 

The ceilings were tall, the walls were all binary colours and there was a shine to every surface. Everything looked clean and clinical and it was almost impressive. 

You were too busy looking around that you barely registered how quickly you were moving out of the arrival bay. The stormtroopers guided you and the other nurses into the hallways of Starkiller. They were similar to the bay, except there was less white. The hallways were darker, more menacing. 

Eventually, they lead you to the ward you would be working on from now on. It was everything you had expected from your training at the academy. There were already some medical droids there, but it seemed that you and the other dozen nurses were the only living nurses there. It was a small ward, enough beds for around 15 patients. That was manageable. 

You didn’t stay there long and you were all guided to your new quarters. Hopefully, they were better than the ones at the academy. 

There was a hallway, not far from the ward that was lined with rooms on either side. Each of you was called out by name and assigned a room by the stormtrooper at the front of the group. They told you to retire to your rooms and that work would begin at 0800 tomorrow. You were also given maps and told that food was available from the canteen between 0600 and 2100. 

You were assigned the room 36B and Cora was in 37B, the room next to yours. When you entered, you were pleasantly surprised by your new room. What used to be a cot was now an actual bed, with an actual frame. The mattress didn’t look luxurious but it was a lot nicer than what you’d been sleeping on for the past year. 

In the corner, there was a small dresser, already filled with five sets of nursing uniforms, some night clothes and a pair of work shoes. Also, you were happy to find the small refresher attached to your room. It was small, but you were relieved to not have to use a communal bathroom anymore. 

You flopped onto your bed, running your hands over the sheets on your bed. The cotton felt like silk beneath your fingers in comparison to the coarse sheets from the academy. 

Leisurely, you unpacked your belongings into the dresser. Your hand made contact with your lightsaber and you dropped your empty bag to the floor. Holding it in your hand, you twirled it between your fingers as you outlined the curves and ridges in the hilt. It had been so long since you used it. Such a shame. 

You knew it was risky bringing it with you, but you couldn’t bear to part with it. It was a part of you now. You tucked the hilt under your mattress, beside the bed frame. Hopefully, it would be safe there. Hopefully, you would be safe here.

Since arriving, you had been distracted by your surroundings. But now, alone, you could finally breathe a sigh of relief. You had made it. 

You were closer to Ben, you could feel it. The connection holding you together had never felt clearer. But, now that it was clear, you knew that it wasn’t Ben anymore... Kylo Ren had consumed your friend. 

Ben Solo once felt like home to you. His presence calmed you, soothed you and he was the only thing that ever felt constant in your life. Now, what once welcomed you is pushing you away. You can feel the darkness and evil that surrounds Kylo Ren. But something in your soul told you that Ben wasn’t lost forever. You couldn’t give up. 

Your day passed in a blink. Once you had unpacked you made your way to the canteen and swiftly took a pre-packaged lunch box, before rushing back to your quarter. You didn’t want to stay out in the hallways too long in fear you would run into Kylo before you were ready. 

By the time you had eaten and settled back into your room, it was already evening. You took advantage of your new refresher and took a shower, then you changed into some fresh night clothes. 

Crawling into your new bed for the first time, you felt your muscles relax and melt into the soft mattress. 

Just as you were about to relax and fall into a slumber, you thought you heard something. It must have just been the walls or someone walking in the hall. 

Then you heard it again, but louder. It was a whisper. A distorted whisper. You closed your eyes and focused on the voice. It was a deep voice, raspy and low. 

Your name. Your real name, not the fake one you used for the First Order. The voice was whispering your name. It was asking for you. Calling out for you. 

The voice became louder and clearer, it surrounded you. 

“Ben?” You asked into the empty air. It had to be him, it sounded like him. 

“My name isn’t Ben.” He spoke clearly. The tone of his voice was foreign to you, it no longer held the warmth that you remember. 

“Kylo?” 

“Yes.” His voice hissed and goosebumps covered your skin. 

He spoke your name once again, drawing out every syllable. 

“Where are you?” He asked sternly.

“Why do you care? You left me to die, Ben... How could you?” You replied, avoiding the truth of why you were there.

“Don’t call me that!” The voice was no longer a whisper, it was an anguished shout.

There was a silence, the air around you felt uncomfortable. It felt as though there was a pressure on your chest, holding you to the bed. Suffocating you. 

“I can feel you, I know you’re close,” Kylo spoke again. He felt so close, almost as though you could feel his breath pass against the shell of your ear.

“I can feel you too. And I know there’s still good in you.” You tried. 

“You don’t know me.” He said, you could hear the words force their way between his teeth. You could envision him now, his jaw clenched and his eyes dark. Just like on that night he left you. 

“We’ll see.” You replied and suddenly, the pressure on your chest was gone. The air cleared and you were alone again. 

You knew Kylo would not give in easily, he will be seeking you out now that he feels you close. 

Attempting to sleep was difficult. You were channelling most of your energy on shielding yourself from him. Once you were comfortable that you were safe you managed to feel calm. You fell asleep with the memory of you and Ben running around the Jedi temple together... when times were simpler.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!! More Kylo in the next chapter 🤗


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!!

Your blaring alarm woke you up at 0700, you resisted the urge to groan and cuddle back into the covers. You were never much of a morning person, but your body jumped into action to get ready for your first ever shift on Starkilller. Since it was your first day, you decided to put in some effort into your appearance and you jumped into the shower. Your mind was filled with the images from your dreams. Ben’s youthful face was embedded in your memory. His effortless smile, his bright eyes and his skin speckled with freckles.

The dreams were the things that kept you motivated, kept you moving forward. The image of Ben replaying in your mind every night was the only thing that convinced you that there was still hope for him. That he could be turned back to the light side.

You stayed in the shower for a long time, letting the warm water soothe your worries. The water pressure here was a great deal better than back at the academy.

You dried your hair and placed it up in a simple but professional ponytail. In your very limited belongings, there was a small bag of cosmetics. Just some moisturisers, creams and very simple makeup items. Picking out your basic makeup, you applied it to your face to highlight your features.

Now, was your uniform. It wasn’t the most flattering ensemble. The uniform was made up of basic nurse scrubs and a material apron over the top. Something that was very much appreciated, was the face coverings. It was basic protocol to wear a mask to cover your mouth and nose but you also had to wear a visor over your head.

Although uncomfortable, it really did work in your favour. With both the face mask and visor, your features were obscured. This meant even if Kylo did see you, he wouldn’t be able to discern your face unless he really tried. And you doubted that Kylo would pay much attention to a lowly nurse.

Once you were dressed and ready for the day, it was around 15 minutes before your first shift started. You always preferred to be early, so you headed out towards the ward and you stopped by the canteen to grab a piece of fruit on your way. In the hallway, there were three other nurses. They were the friends you saw on the transport ship. You walked behind them on the way to the ward, not quite close enough to hear what they were talking about, but you could hear them giggling with each other.

On the way there you took this time to observe your surroundings. You always needed to know the quickest way out if anything were to go wrong. You’d grown used to doing this over the past few years. There were a few noticeable walkways, ones that led to more open spaces. But, the closest and safest exit would be where you came from. The arrival bay.

Within five minutes, you arrived on the ward. Clocking in with ten minutes to spare. Most other nurses were there already there, but you noticed that a particular nurse hadn’t arrived yet. Cora...

You smiled to yourself, being late must be normal for her. As you expected, Cora arrived in a similar state as yesterday just as the nurses began to file into the ward. Her visor was crooked and her face cover hung from one ear comically. She corrected her uniform and came to stand beside you, both of you greeting each other.

Everyone had clocked in on time, and you were guided around each station by a med droid. You all spent the first few hours of the shift being shown around each section of the ward and where to find each piece of equipment.

Since you were all newly qualified nurses, there was still training to be done. But the plan was to do this alongside the daily shift and to practice on those with minor injuries.

Because there was the problem of limited nurses on this base, your shift was from 0800 to 2000... twelve hours. Then when your shift finished, another round of nurses took over for the other 12 hours. But it was easy to pass the time, some of the more senior nurses shared stories and gossip about the events of recent days. They had plenty of stories to tell to pass the time.

You found out that just two days ago there had been a mission on Jakku. Kylo had taken some stormtroopers there to retrieve a map. A map to what, you had no idea. Some of the stormtroopers came back injured, these were the ones you had been practising on today. Just basic dressing training since most of them had already been treated for their wounds.

According to the nurses, Kylo had been unsuccessful which had left him in an.... irritable mood. They told you that Kylo had taken his anger out on one of the control panels in the main deck of the ship. You were going to have to tread lightly if Kylo was already in a bitter mood.

Now, you were halfway through your shift and it was time for a short lunch break. You made your way to the canteen, Cora by your side. There was comfortable small talk between you and her, she always seemed eager to talk to you which you appreciated. It was refreshing to talk to Cora, she was always so joyful that you found it almost impossible to dislike her.

Something odd, however, happened just as you sat at your table. The ground beneath your feet began to shake violently. Everyone who was seated appeared confused too as the tables, chairs and walls shook and vibrated around you. The quaking continued for a minute or so. And eventually, when it stopped, worried looks were exchanged among the other nurses in the canteen. You all looked towards the trooper who was guarding the door.

“Earthquake.” He explained, “Nothing to worry about.”

You were sceptical that it wasn’t anything to worry about. It definitely worried you. The First Order must have been up to something. But you had no time or authority to question the trooper.

Suddenly, your head started ringing and you hunched over the table. Your hand shot to your forehead as you felt pounding beneath your skull. All sound around you was silence, replaced by what sounded like hundreds of voices screaming. Crying out to you. It was deafening. And all at once, it was gone. The pain, the screaming just... vanished.

Cora looked over at you worryingly, reaching a hand out to your shoulder.

“Are you okay Miri?” She asked sweetly.

“Yeah, sorry... Just a headache.” You replied.

Sitting in an eerie silence, you and Cora finished your lunch, eventually returning back to work.

An hour or so passed and you were settling back into the flow of work and training when suddenly, an alarm began to blare through the base.

All the new nurses looked nervously to each other. You included. None of you had been trained to know what this meant. The med droids began to scatter into action and the senior nurses promptly explained what was happening.

“It’s okay everyone, that alarm signals incoming soldiers. Most likely, some injured troopers will be brought in soon. So, everyone, get to your stations and wait for instructions.” The most senior nurse spoke. You remembered her as Xan, she seemed the kindest of the senior nurses. But the way her voice broke through the air left a sense of panic amongst everyone.

Before your eyes, everyone rushed to their assigned stations. You were assigned to fluids. Meaning you were in charge of sedating and injecting fluids where they were needed. You scrambled to get all your equipment in order.

Just as you prepared the last syringe, injured stormtroopers were carted into the ward. They were either on a stretcher or held at the shoulders by another, more stable trooper. Everyone got to work as each of the beds were filled in quick succession. All of the nurses were rushed off their feet to control the large influx of injured patients.

For some reason, when their helmets were taken off to reveal a normal person, you were surprised. You’d never stopped to think that the men in those suits were living and breathing. The expressionless masks only helped reiterate that the First Order only saw them as another number. And that’s what they were to most. A number.

After a rushed and hectic hour, the tense atmosphere began to dissipate. All the troopers were now in a stable condition and the worst was now over. You could all breathe a sigh of relief. But what did concern you, was why there were so many injured soldiers to begin with.

You had noticed some of the troopers talking to each other, the ones that were conscious at least. They were talking about the mission and you heard them mention the prisoner that Kylo Ren had taken from the planet. The troopers never mentioned which planet they took the prisoner from and you only grew more curious as to who it was.

Then, they mentioned the New Republic. Your ears perked up as they spoke, but you tried not to convey any emotion on your face as you carried on organising equipment. The more they spoke, the more the colour drained from your face. None of what they were saying filled you with any hope.

“Did you see it? When it fired?” One of them spoke.

“Of course I did, I watched from the transport window. I’ve never seen anything like it...” The trooper next to him replied.

What fired? You couldn’t understand what they were talking about. There were too many blanks in their story. Someone here must know what happened.

You spotted Xan organising tools in the supply cupboard. She seemed approachable and kind so she might be open to answering some of your questions.

“Nurse Xan?” You called as you approached her. She pivoted her head in search of who called her name and smiled as she saw you approaching.

“Sorry for interrupting, but I overheard the patients talking... They mentioned something about a weapon firing and I was wondered if you knew what they were talking about.” You spoke politely.

“Oh, you didn’t know?” She asked seemingly surprised. You looked back at her confused and shook your head.

“Of course! You were in the canteen when it happened.” She said, a wide smile spread across her lips. “Starkiller fired for the first time today, I’m sure you will have felt it.”

“So that’s what that was...” You said thoughtfully. “What did we fire at?” You asked, not sure if you were prepared for the truth.

“The New Republic!” Xan spoke joyfully, “In one shot, the First order destroyed Hosnian Prime and the whole Hosnian system! Isn’t it magnificent?”

Your throat constricted and you couldn’t find the strength the form a sentence. Managing a weak nod and a fake smile, Xan continued to speak.

“Most people were allowed to watch, but we were required to stay on the ward in case of an emergency. But I would have loved to have seen...”

Your mind wandered, not even bothering to listen to her words. This was devastating. If what Xan told you was true, that meant six planets had been obliterated. Six Republic planets. The First Order was winning. The resistance was now the galaxy’s only hope. You suppressed the tears forming in your eyes as the devastating reality consumed you. Those screams you heard... they were all gone. All murdered.

“Oh, and by the way,” You were brought back to reality by Xan's voice, “I need you to run to the supply deck. We are running low on gauze so can you bring back a few boxes?”

“Sure, I’ll get them right now.” You replied stoically. Xan hadn’t noticed your sombre expression, she seemed too caught up in the magnificence of the First Order.

“Great, thanks!” And with that, Xan left.

You took a moment to collect yourself. No matter how hard this was to process for you, you needed to calm yourself. If you blew your cover, you were dead.

So, you rolled your neck and shoulders, attempting to shake off your emotions. Now you had a new sense of determination. You were going to fix this, for all those people who lost their lives at the hands of the First Order.

On your way out of the ward, you consulted the map they had given you when you first arrived. The supply deck was about a 10 minute walk away. You were thankful that you had this time to yourself.

The more you walked through the halls of Starkiller, the more you were impressed. They had spared no expense when they built this place, every surface was bright and shiny new. You passed a few stormtroopers in the halls, which didn’t bother you. But what did set your nerves on the edge, were the three officers you came close to. They were dressed professionally, heads held high and hands clasped behind their backs. Just their presence unnerved you and you felt your palms become clammy as you crossed their path.

You pushed all thoughts of worry to the back of your mind and you found your way to the supply deck without difficulty. The supply deck was huge, but you managed to find the gauze that Xan asked for. Luckily, the boxes were small and light making them easy to carry. You piled them up in your arms and they rested just below your chin.

The halls were once again empty. You had to concentrate to find you way back since you couldn’t look at the map. Were you supposed to take a left here? Oh, maybe back there was where you were supposed to go right... Curse the makers, you were lost.

Sighing deeply, you turned on the spot. At the end of the hallway, behind you, were more official officers. They were surrounding a tall cloaked figure.

Your stomach dropped and your heart leapt into your throat. It was him. Kylo Ren.

Kylo and the other officers were walking towards you. Your feet were glued to the floor beneath you but you mentally slapped yourself out of it. You began to walk towards them, his mask becoming clearer.

His whole presence, his stance and his demeanour radiated power and darkness. The mask he wore was sinister, it was crafted in such a way that left you speechless, intimidating you into silence.

You tried to control your emotions and your thoughts. The energy you were using to shield yourself from him was wavering, your nerves getting the better of you.

His footsteps echoed in the hallway around you. Your head dropped behind the boxes in your arms. You were now shouting distance from them, the boxes began to slip slightly because of the sweat that had formed there.

One of the officers beside Kylo caught your eye. He was eyeing you, looking you up and down. His skin was pale and his hair a striking ginger. There was a sickening grin that formed on his lips when he noticed your eyes on him. You averted your gaze but you knew he was still looking at you.

“Are you lost, nurse?” A smug voice rang through the air. There was no need for you to look up to know that it came from the ginger man.

You dared to look to the source of the voice through your lashes, still cowering behind the boxes in an attempt to hide your face. He was looking at you under his nose. Just from his expression, you could see that he enjoyed making people feel below him.

“No sir, sorry sir.” You spoke quickly, lowering your voice.

Kylo’s stoic mask snapped towards you. You wished you could see the expression behind his mask. His smile, his eyes, his freckles. It has been 5 years since you had seen him... you know that what lies behind that mask isn’t the Ben you knew, but you couldn’t deny that you were desperate to see his eyes again. Your feet moved of their own accord below you, attempting to flee from the area.

You could feel Kylo's stare burn into the back of your skull. Your feet carried you faster, almost tripping over yourself.

Kylo and the other men were now out of earshot. You finally let out the breath you had been holding in, you could feel your pulse drumming under your skin.

That was close. Too close for your liking. Seeing Kylo before your eyes had shocked you to your core. You knew that Kylo had gained a reputation over the years and that he was seen and some menacing force within the First Order, but that didn’t do him justice.

You just hoped that, for now, Kylo wasn’t suspicious of you. But there was a part of you that felt relieved you’d finally seen him. It proved to you that you had done the right thing to come here. All your hard work was starting to pay off.

After finding your way back through the winding hallways, you returned to work. You placed the boxes of gauze in the supply room taking that moment of silence to collect yourself.

Your first shift on the First Order had been... eventful. If every day would be like this then it might send you to an early grave.

The remainder of your shift passed without incident. You were clocking out when Cora came up beside you.

“Well, I’m glad that’s over.” She laughed.

“Yeah... that was definitely an interesting shift.” You replied unsure if you should be talking negatively about the First Order so openly.

“Interesting is an understatement! I just can’t wait to get back to my room.” Cora nudged you and you chuckled lightly with her.

The both of you walked back through the halls towards the nurse’s quarters. You kept telling yourself not to get too close to Cora, despite how nice it was to have someone to talk to.

“Do you want to grab some dinner before we go back to our rooms? I’m starving after today’s shift.” Cora asked but you hesitated.

Your appetite had disappeared. From the endless injured troopers to your run-in with Kylo, you weren’t really in the mood for food.

“Actually, I think I’ll pass tonight... But I’ll see you tomorrow. And I expect to see you bright and early.” You replied with a smile.

“Okay, I promise I won’t be late tomorrow.” Cora laughed and turned to walk down the hallway towards the canteen.

You waved after her and smiled. As much as you were trying to distance yourself from her, she was just so inviting. She was easy to talk to and she seemed so carefree. So pure.

The lights were dim in your room, they automatically change according to the time of the day. You peeled off your face covers and uniform, not even bothering to put on your night clothes before flopping face-first onto your bed.

Exhaustion had seated itself deep in your muscles. You didn’t even have time to contemplate the events of the day before you fell into a deep sleep.

Your dreams started as they usually did, a sweet memory of you and Ben. The dreams were always as vivid as the day you were there. You could feel the air blowing through your hair, you could smell the grass and the ocean breeze. And you could feel Ben's hand in yours and he helped you climb the rocks on the far side of the island.

You let yourself be consumed by the dream. But there was something different this time. There was a darkness looming above you and around you. It tried to swallow you whole. You wanted to resist but it was so enticing. The darkness was calling you. Stronger than ever before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated!
> 
> Also thought I'd let you guys know about a website I found. It's a bit childish but suuuper fun! You can design your own Jedi/Sith sooo here's the link 🤗
> 
> https://www.azaleasdolls.com/dressupgames/scifi-warrior.php


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys enjoy this one!!

The next day began just as the one before. You were surprised to see that Cora had kept her word and she arrived at the ward at the same time as you. She tried to make conversation with you, but this morning however, you were distracted.

Your dreams from last night had left a bad taste in your mouth. Although the dream began as they usually did, there was something different last night. Something was calling to you. But, what worried you was that it was whispering to you. Trying to hide amongst your dream and trick you into listening. Like a snake in the grass.

It left an uncomfortable energy around you. You couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong. Really wrong. But you had to ignore that for now, you had a job to do.

Some of the more seriously injured troopers from yesterday were still on the ward. Each nurse alternated between changing their dressings and monitoring their fluids. It was simple, you’d covered this many times in training.

Nothing particularly exciting happened in the first half of your shift. You’d just returned from lunch with Cora when you noticed a tense atmosphere around the senior nurses. They appeared on edge and fidgety.

Once everyone had returned from their lunch break, nurse Xan gathered you all in the quiet section of the ward.

“Okay, I don’t want any of you to panic, but we just got word from the general,” She began. “Resistance fighters are attacking the surface of the base. There will likely be an influx of injured soldiers... we need to be ready for the worst.” She spoke solemnly.

The Resistance? Your heart leapt and then quickly plummeted. You had forgotten that whatever they do to this base, affects you. If they destroy this base then they will take you along with it.

Silence fell over the nurses, the air was thick with tension. You looked over to Cora and it was the first time you had seen her look anything other than happy. She looked petrified. Her brow was creased and her teeth worried her lip.

“We don’t have anything to worry about yet, we just need to do our job and...” Xan was cut off. The ward plunged into darkness and the ground shook beneath your feet. The emergency lights flickered on, a sinister red hue descended around you.

The nurses around you screamed in surprise. Xan attempted to control the panic, shushing the girls. You could see out of the ward, droves of bodies were running through the halls.

“Everyone! We need to evacuate. Help get these patients out of here and head towards the departure bay. Go now!” Xan shouted.

You jumped into action, helping another nurse hoist one of the patients out of their bed. Each of you supported him from either side. He was stable enough to walk, but he needed assistance.

All of you stumbled to the doors that led to the hallways. Everyone was running in the same direction, so you followed them. You, the other nurse and your patient stumbled through the hallways. The tremors became increasingly more violent sending you falling into the other people also trying to escape.

It was chaos. Screams echoed around you and you could smell the fear in the air. After every quake, rocks and dust started to fall from the cracks forming in the ceiling above your head. Adrenaline pumped through your body, your legs felt like jelly beneath you. The end of the hallway was approaching. It must be the departure bay. You were almost there.

The weight of the man around your shoulders was weighing you down, you were gasping for air. The nurse on his other side looked over to you. Her eyes were filled with fear. You never learned her name, but you noticed she was one of the quiet nurses. You should have spoken to her more. You should have done a lot of things.

The light from the departure bay washed over you as you finally made it out of those narrow hallways. Ahead of you, you could see a large transport ship. Guards, troopers and even official officers were piling on.

You were running. Running for your life as your dared to look back, the hallway you had just come out of was collapsing behind you. You saw as people on the cusp of getting away were crushed by falling debris.

The floor of the bay began to crumble under your feet, cracks and crevices swallowing people mere metres away from you. The transport ship was in reaching distance as you heard the engines roar to life.

Just as the supports of the transport left the collapsing floor, you managed to reach a hand out and grasp onto the metal beam that was slowly constricting to close the ramp. The trooper in your arms collapsed as someone on board helped drag him and the other nurse onto the ship.

You heaved for breath, hunched over watching as the ramp closed. As it was closing you saw the base become more distant. People still running after the transport, just falling short of escaping. There was nothing you could do. You felt helpless.

The doors hissed closed and you turned to see that the ship was full to the brim. There were people in seats, people on the floor and people standing. Some of them were injured and although you were a nurse and you should help those people, you moved towards the window instead. It stretched over the whole distance of the transport wall, others were also gathered there to watch as Starkiller imploded.

What you saw amazed you. The ship had hardly left the bay but Starkiller had almost completely caved in. You could still see the surface as caverns were created in the snow.

Snow? Starkiller was a... planet? You hadn’t seen the surface of Starkiller since you arrived, you had assumed it was a replica of the old Death Star. You looked upon the surface and saw as forests burned and mountains fell. There was a metal ring around the planet, embedded deep in the landscape which you assumed held the star killing weapon. If it weren’t being destroyed right this second, you would have been impressed by the power this base possessed.

Before your eyes, Starkiller collapsed into a ball of flames. People around you were sobbing as they watched. You were one of the lucky ones to get away but you know many will have died. No matter how much you despised the First Order, there was a sinking feeling when you thought of all the loved ones lost on that base. Some were innocent... not everyone on that base deserved to die.

Ben... Kylo... surely, he would have been one of the first people to escape the base. You hoped.

You pressed your hand up to the glass of the window, closing your eyes as you concentrated on your emotions. Reaching out with your mind, you searched for Ben's energy. There was still that small tether holding you together... it was fading. The light was fading. You called out to him, not daring to tug on the tether in fear it would break.

The light whisper of his voice filled your ears. He was stuttering your name. You could feel the anguish seeping from his voice. He was stuttering, gasping and groaning as he whispered your name.

“H-help me...” Ben's voice spoke through the void.

Your heart ached and tears pooled in your eyes. He was injured, his pain radiated through the connection. You just hope he is safe, that someone is taking care of him.

He was vulnerable now, he wasn’t holding back from you anymore. He needed you, and you wanted nothing more than to help him. But you had no idea where he was. Or where you were going.

You pulled back from the connection. Tears finally falling, creating crevices in the dust that had fallen on your cheeks. You couldn’t bear the pain anymore.

The air inside the transport was heavy, your shoulders slumped under the weight. It became stuffy, you couldn’t breathe. You tore off your face coverings and attempted to calm yourself and you turned around in the sea of bodies. There were other nurses helping the injured bodies scattered on the floor.

What about Cora? Had she made it onto the transport. You looked around frantically, raising on your toes to see over the heads of other people. In the distance, you saw a group of three nurses. Pushing through the crowd, you made your way towards them. Their faces were still hidden.

When you reached them, you placed your hand on one of their shoulders to make them face you. They all turned, eyeing you curiously. It wasn’t her.

“Sorry... I was just looking for someone.” You said as you downcast your eyes. You started to walk away from them when you heard a voice from beside you.

“Miri!” Someone screamed. You took no notice for a second, still not accustomed to your new name. Your head snapped around to the voice.

“Cora!” You gasped. She beamed at you, tears in her eyes and some still drying on her face. She ran towards you, arms spread wide.

You hugged tightly and Cora buried her face in your shoulder. Relief washed over you knowing that she was okay. She pulled away after a few seconds, her eyes exploring your face.

“I’m so glad you’re okay... I thought you didn’t make it.” She spoke, tears spilling onto her cheeks.

“I almost didn’t... But I’m okay you don’t need to worry about me.” You said with a smile. After a few seconds pause, you continued, “Anyway, do you have any idea where we are going now?”

“I don’t know for sure, but I overheard the officers talking up there. They said something about a Dreadnought... But I don’t know what that is.” Cora spoke thoughtfully.

“Right... Well, we will just have to wait and see.” You replied.

Both you and Cora moved to the side of the ship, leaning against the wall. The silence between you was palpable. Neither of you wanting to speak about what just happened. So, you decided that looking out of the window was a better option.

Lights flew past you, the ship had entered hyperspace not long ago. The way the stars stretched as you passed them was mesmerising. You let yourself become lost in the sight and you let your mind go blank.

Time passed in the blink of an eye. You weren’t sure how long, but it must have been a few hours. The transport lurched out of hyperspace, sending the people standing tumbling into each other.

Your eyes darted around the vast darkness of space. You looked up to direction the transport was moving, and you saw it. The Dreadnought.

It was a Star Destroyer but bigger, newer. You noticed that it was still under construction. It must be the only other ship the First Order has that can house enough people.

As the transport approached the landing bay, you saw multiple other transport ships and TIE fighters also approaching. The ship landed and Cora looked over to you, a weak smile plastered on her face.

Everyone filed off the transport, people hugged as they were reunited with friends from the other ships. The more official officers left briskly, they must have a lot of work to do.

A woman, who appeared to be a senior nurse, ran over to you and Cora through the crowd. She was out of breath, red-faced and panting.

“Quick, we need more nurses on the ward. We have a lot of injured soldiers up there. Follow me.” She stuttered and ran towards one of the many hallways leading away from the bay.

You didn’t even think to question her as you and Cora followed after her. She led you through the many winding hallways, other officers and nurses passed you on your way. Even though it was safe here, there was still chaos.

The ward here was a lot larger than the one you had been working on. The one back at Starkiller was one of many, but it seemed like this was the only one on the Dreadnought considering its size.

You walked past more beds than you could count. Each filled with an injured soldier, officer even a general worker. But the nurse you were following carried on walking, past the beds and down even more hallways.

It seemed as though this was a more private section of the ward, there were individual rooms lining the wall.

She stopped at the end where there were two doors leading to one of the private rooms.

“We need your help in here, there isn’t enough of us.” She spoke again. You looked at Cora, confusion evident on your features. Neither of you had time to think before the nurse pushed the doors open, revealing the patient.

All the air was sucked from your lungs and the colour drained from your face. Nothing could have prepared you for the sight in front of you.

It was Kylo. His limp body was sprawled across the bed, clothes torn and falling from his body. There was a deep gash in his flesh from his shoulder to his forehead, stretching across his cheek. Blood was gushing from another wound in his side and one on his arm. His gloved hand hung over the side of the bed, he looked dead. Lifeless.

Your heart stopped at the sight, you were frozen in your spot. The nurse urged you and Cora to help and you snapped yourself out of your thoughts and rushed into action.

You didn’t know where to start, but you made your way closer to his bed. His injuries looked worse up close, the gash in his face was cauterised on the edges and the middle filled with blood that overflowed down his neck. Judging by the cauterisation, this wound was made by a lightsaber. You don’t know if this should unnerve you or not, but it definitely piqued your curiosity.

Kylo was hooked up to the machines, the steady beeps were the only thing convincing you that he was still alive. But he looked peaceful. Despite the wound on his face, he looked calm, his eyes shut softly and all the creases in his forehead melted into his skin.

This is the first time you have seen his face in five years... Although his condition was worrying, you were grateful that you could see his face after all these years. And not as Kylo, but as the Ben you remembered him. There was no anger, no rage on his face. So, to you, this was Ben.

Every nurse in the room scrambled to treat his injuries. Cleaning them, treating them and dressing them. The tear in his face was fused back together with a metallic material that would speed up the healing process since the wound was too large to be treated with regular stitches.

His torso was left bare, all of his injuries were above his hip. You noticed that his chest was speckled with other scars and bruises. Eventually, you and the other nurses had done everything possible to treat his injuries and he was now in a stable condition.

Some of the other nurses started to leave the room, once they had done all they could. But you couldn’t leave yet. You needed to stay with him.

Cora was on her way out of the door when she turned to you, gesturing for you to join her. You shook your head and pointed towards the last senior nurse in the room.

“I’m going to stay.” You mouthed. Cora nodded slowly and left without questioning you.

“Excuse me, nurse.” You spoke nervously. She turned to you from where she was organising equipment.

“If you’re wanting to go get some food, I don’t mind staying here to watch over the patient.” You hoped that was a good enough reason for her to leave.

She eyed you, she seemed unsure but eventually let out a long breath.

“Thank you so much, I’ve been rushed off my feet all day,” She sighed. “When you need a break, just ask one of the other nurses to take over okay?”

You nodded politely and she left without another word, eager to leave. Any sane person would have followed her, it was easy to guess that it won’t be pleasant when Kylo wakes. You knew it was risky to stay, but this is why you came here in the first place.

But Kylo being in this state worked to your benefit. When he wakes, if you’re still here, you won’t hide from him. You’ve never seen him so vulnerable and if he were to see you while he was in this condition you doubt he would fight you or kill you... At least you hope he won’t.

You pulled a chair from the edge of the room up to the side of his bed when you noticed his hands were still gloved. The only clothes removed were from his torso. Carefully, you reached out for his hand to hold it in yours. You pinched the leather at his fingertip and took off the glove, repeating for his other hand. There were blankets stored under the bed so you pulled one out to cover his body.

Taking a seat in the chair, you picked up his now bare hand. His hand was limp in yours as you ran your fingers along his veins and freckles. They made your hands look tiny in comparison to his, but you enjoyed the way your hands fit into his. Like they were made to be together.

You looked over his face wishing you could look into his eyes. But you would settle for this. This was enough. It broke your heart to see him so battered and bruised but it was a work of fate that the nurse brought you here. The force will always bring you back together.

An hour or so passed, his hand still cradled in yours. For a while you just stared at him, admiring his face and the way his eyelashes rested ever so lightly on his cheeks. You counted his freckles and noticed one or two were missing, the ones that you remembered laid on his cheek now gone and replaced by scarring. Eventually, you grew tired. You decided to rest your eyes as you leant back in the chair.

Drifting in and out of sleep, you felt a sense of peace wash over you. Not quite awake and not quite asleep, you were able to let your mind wander. And not surprisingly it wandered to Ben.

You were so deep in your thoughts, you barely registered the twitching of Ben's or Kylo's fingers in yours.

There was a whisper of your name again, just like when you were on the transport. You thought nothing of it until you heard your name again, louder and clearer.

Your eyes shot open. Ben was awake, only he looked more like Kylo now. His eyes stared back into yours, his brow creased and his lips parted slightly. Confusion contorted his features.

“What are you doing here?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the cliffhanger, but it has to be done sometimes. All kudos and comments are appreciated, let me know what you think 🤗🤗


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for leaving you on a cliffhanger but I hope this makes up for it 🤗

“What are you doing here?”

Kylo's deep voice broke through the air. His piercing eyes searched your face, his brows pulled together in confusion.

“I... uh,” You stuttered and tried to pull your hand away from him. Just as your hand left his grasp, he reached out and clutched at your wrist.

“You shouldn’t be here.” He spoke through clenched teeth, his hand tightened around your wrist harshly. You could see that his quick movement towards you had irritated his wounds by the way his features changed quickly from anger to discomfort.

“I know I shouldn’t, but I came here for you.” Your voice came out as barely a whisper. He bared his teeth and attempted to move towards you but flinched and quickly fell back to the bed. His eyes screwed shut, pain evident on his face. He was weak.

“Please Ben... let me help y-...” Your throat constricted and you reached up your hands to your neck, frantically clawing at your skin as the air was squeezed out of your lungs.

“Don't call me that.” He emphasised every syllable. His voice hoarse and he held a stretched hand out towards you.

Gasping and spluttering for air, you pleaded with your eyes begging him to let you go. You felt your heartbeat slow and your eyes rolled back in your head.

You dropped to the floor as air rushed back into your lungs. The air burned as it travelled down your throat but you were thankful to be breathing again. He had let you go.

Looking up from your hands and knees, you saw that his hand had returned to the limp position over the side of the bed. Once you were breathing steadily again, you returned to your feet. The blood rushed back up to your head making you dizzy and unsteady.

Kylo’s chest was heaving and his face contorted by pain.

“Kylo,” you tested and his eyes shot up to your face, you could see the mistrust oozing from his stare. “Please, let me help you.”

Seconds passed in silence, both of you staring at each other until he nodded slowly. You breathed heavily and moved to the equipment beside his bed.

You adjusted his pain medication to hopefully ease his suffering, and you administered slightly more than what was needed to hopefully sedate him somewhat.

His movement had opened the wound on his side and you noticed the blood had started to seep through the sheets covering him and the bed. Your hand moved tentatively towards the sheet to pull it off his body. Just as before, his hand gripped your wrist in warning.

“Look, I have to re-dress the wound on your side. You broke the stitches when you moved, see?” You nodded your head to his side and his eyes followed to see the ruined sheet.

“Fine.” Kylo spat, “But be quick.”

You rolled your eyes at his petty remark. He was lucky you were still here after he choked you half to death.

Three of his stitches had come loose, his wound had almost fully opened again. You took your time with his new stitches, putting in extra to make sure that they wouldn’t come loose again.

You could feel Kylo's eyes on you as you worked. Watching your every move. By now, your fingers were covered in blood and sweat had collected on your forehead.

“Since when were you a nurse?” Kylo’s deep voice made you jump, your fingers nudged into his sensitive wound and he hissed in pain. You apologised under your breath.

“Well, since you asked.” You sighed, dropping your tools to look up at him. “I joined the First Order academy to become a nurse. Not long after you left me at the temple.” Kylo visibly tensed and he shifted his gaze away from you but you continued.

“I knew that once I became a nurse, I would be stationed somewhere with the First Order. I hoped that if I worked my way up that I would find my way back to you... eventually.” You looked down at your hands that rested on the bed beside him.

A silence filled the room, neither of you looking at each other. What more was there to say? Actually, there was a lot more to say, but you were too frightened to say more. One wrong word and you knew it would be over for you.

“Why?”

Your head snapped up in surprise. He was looking at you again, eyes no longer burning with rage. His gaze was a little softer.

“Why what?” You asked, your brow furrowed.

“Why would you come back for me?” He spoke, his voice unsteady. You tried to discern the look in his eyes. They were filled with...sadness?

“Because...” you hesitated, “because I knew you would need me. And I needed you.” A small smile dared to form on your lips.

Kylo’s gaze flickered across your face and he sighed deeply. He was battling his emotions, you could see the confliction clear on his face.

“I don’t need anyone.” His icy tone tore right through you.

“Well, you clearly need me now...” You gestured to his wounds, a light tone in your voice.

There was an awkward silence and you worried you may have overstepped a boundary. But your heart soared when you saw a slight smirk make its way onto Kylo’s face.

“You have a point.” Kylo cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably. You let the conversation die as you began to treat his wounds again.

The silence between you no longer felt suffocating and uncomfortable, it was lighter. Bearable.

You finished quickly, applying various antiseptics to the wound and wrapping it in a fresh dressing. His eyes were locked on you the entire time.

“How are you feeling now?” You asked as you cleaned off your hands.

“Fine.” He said through his teeth. You chose to ignore his tone and you inspected the injury on his face.

His eye was swollen and every shade of purple painted his skin. It looked incredibly painful but you wouldn’t hear him admit that any time soon.

You moved around his bed to get a better look at his face, bringing your tools with you. The wound looked inflamed and angry. It needed more treatment.

Kylo eyed you curiously as you moved a hand towards his face. Your fingertip pressed lightly on the skin under his eyes, tracing the raised skin next to the metallic stitching. He didn’t flinch, he just watched you.

It felt as though you were living in one of your dreams. You still couldn’t quite believe he was in front of you. There was always a fear that he would disappear from in front of your eyes any second. Despite the wound, his skin felt soft under your touch.

Your gaze flickered from his wound to his eyes, they were already looking back at you. There was a softness in his eyes, not one you’d seen in many years.

You briskly pulled your hand away to fetch the antiseptic but you were stopped. His hand enclosed yours and brought it to rest on the untouched side of his face. His hand cupped yours over his cheek as he stared into your eyes.

“What do you expect me to do now?” He spoke softly. The creases had returned to his forehead as his eyes darted between yours.

“What do you mean?” You asked breathlessly.

“You shouldn’t have come here... I will have to...” He paused, “You have to leave. Now.”

“I’m not leaving, I’ve spent years to get here.” You replied sternly.

“The supreme leader will kill you if you don’t leave... He will make me kill you.” His tone was pleading. You could feel his thumb caress the back of your hand.

“He doesn’t have to know I’m here...”

His hand released yours and he turned his head away from you.

“If he finds you, I won’t be able to protect you.” Kylo spoke softly, his voice low and sombre.

“Then he won’t find me. And you seem to forget that I am more than capable of protecting myself.” You knew you were beginning to sound like a petulant child, but he wasn’t responsible for your safety. You had survived for five years without him, you could fend for yourself.

“I don’t know what you plan to gain from staying here.” He remarked.

“I don’t quite know yet either,” You lied. The outcome you wanted from all this was always to bring Ben back. To turn Kylo away from the dark side, but he couldn’t know that. “However, I do know that the force brought me back to you, and that this is where I’m supposed to be.”

Kylo looked back at you and searched your face, his features hardened as he thought over your words. You knew he was deciding, in this moment if he would allow you to stay or not.

“You can’t tell anyone else why you’re here.” He spoke after a long moment.

“Of course not.” You replied, a small smirk making its way onto your lips. That was all the confirmation you needed that Kylo wasn’t going to kill you any time soon. “Now, can I clean up this wound? It’s beginning to look irritated.” You asked, changing the subject before he changed his mind.

He nodded, sinking into the bed and you saw his muscles relax, the tension melting away. You used the antiseptic on his face, as you had on his side. This was going to leave one gnarly scar once it healed completely. You massaged in the cream all the way down his neck and to his shoulder. Kylo grunted in pain when you reached the more sensitive areas.

You tried to work quickly as to not prolong his pain longer than necessary. Once you were done you picked out a fresh blanket from under his bed to cover him up again.

Admittedly, it was quite cute the way his face softened once he was covered by the sheet.

“You should get some rest, sleep is one of the best healers.” You said as you started to pack up and clean off your tools.

“Is that what they taught you at the academy?” Kylo spoke smugly and you chuckled.

“Not exactly... But you look like you could use some sleep right now.”

You heard Kylo sigh behind you. When you had packed everything away, you turned to see Kylo was already fast asleep. His black messy mop of hair spread across the pillow, you could see the evident knots and dirt embedded in his hair.

There was a temptation to brush out the knots for him while he was out cold, but you knew that if he woke up to you touching his hair, he wouldn’t be too pleased. If, when you come back tomorrow, his hair is still matted then you will brush it for him. Your fingers had been itching to run through his hair as soon as you saw how long it had gotten.

You had been here a few hours by now, it was about time you went back to your room. Your... room. You had been so distracted by Kylo that you hadn’t even found out where you were staying. They must have assigned your new rooms by now.

Your room! A deep pit formed in your stomach when you realised. Your lightsaber... it had been destroyed along with Starkiller. You can’t believe it took this long for you to figure it out. But, now that you had, it felt as though there was a part of you missing.

It was a difficult realisation to come to terms with, that the one thing that was made for you, by you was gone forever. But, you tried not to dwell on it too much. For now. You made your way back into the main ward, taking one last look at Kylo’s sleeping form before exiting his room.

You needed to find another nurse to take over for you, and a senior nurse to tell you where you were staying.

The ward was huge, so it took you a while to find someone who knew anything. Eventually, you found the senior nurse from earlier. She found your name on her datapad and told you which room you had been assigned. Apparently, there was an abundance of rooms here, not many people had made it off of Starkiller.

She handed you a new map of this Dreadnought and you used it to find your way to your new room. It was similar, in a way, to Starkiller. All the nurse’s rooms were on one hallway and it wasn’t too far from the ward.

You had been so rushed off your feet that you had barely noticed the grumbling of your stomach every two minutes. The canteen was easy to find. You sat at one of the empty tables and ate your meal alone. You’d made it just in time for the last round of meals. Time had gone quicker than you thought and it was already evening.

When you made it to your room, you weren’t surprised to see that it was almost identical to the one back on Starkiller. The only difference here was that everything looked brand new, even the walls.

You were relieved to see that your wardrobe here was already filled with clothes and the bathroom stocked with toiletries. There was still a layer of grime covering your skin from the falling debris. A hot shower was very much needed right now. It had been a long day.

After your shower, you changed into some of your new nightclothes and jumped into bed. Your mind wandered to Ben, to Kylo. You wished you could still be next to him, taking care of him. Your alarm was set earlier than usual, so that you could get to the ward at least an hour early. If you got there early, you could be one of the first nurses to tend to Kylo.

Out of curiosity, you searched out to the connection holding you and... Kylo together. To your amazement, it was brighter than it had ever been before. It looked stronger, healthier and more luminous. It somewhat resembled a lightsaber, the middle was pure light and the edges crackled with sparks.

You felt more positive after your talk with Kylo. There was no certainty that your Ben would return, but you might be able to make do with Kylo. You could feel the conflict still inside him, there might be just enough conflict for him to come back to you.

But for now, your focus was on Kylo, on helping him recover. Hopefully, in that time, you can re-form whatever was left of the friendship you used to have.

As your curled up in your bed, your hand came to rest on your cheek to mirror the way Kylo held your hand earlier. You imagined that it was his hand on your cheek and you fell asleep content in the thought that you would see his face again tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos and comments are always appreciated! I'm loving hearing from you guys, it always makes my day a bit better 😊


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sooo sorry for the delay with this chapter. I have been super busy with my application for my year abroad. With everything going on it's made it really difficult to sort out a Visa. Anyway I hope you enjoy, and I promise to upload more regularly again!

Waking up early this morning had paid off. As soon as you arrived on the ward, you were assigned the first morning shift in Kylo's room. You were responsible for watching over him until the shift was handed over to another nurse. That meant you could spend the next few hours with Kylo...

Your heart leapt at the idea. You were both excited and nervous at the prospect. There was a chance Kylo would be in a bitter mood, but there was also a chance he would maybe... talk to you a little bit. Nonetheless, you were eager to see him again.

The memory of how strong your connection had been last night was replaying in your mind. You hoped that he had seen how strong the connection had gotten since your talk yesterday. He might be more convinced that you should be here with him if he knows.

You were waiting outside his room, the nurse currently in with him was due to leave in a few minutes. The ward seemed less chaotic this morning, most of the patients had either been treated or they were still unconscious in their beds. You played with the hem of your scrubs, nervously contemplating if this was still a good idea.

But before you had a chance to think any further, the door opened. The nurse who was on the night shift opened the door to his room and politely nodded to you as she left. When you glanced at her, you noticed that her eyes were bloodshot and there was a vacancy in her gaze. If you didn’t know any better you would guess she was traumatised. That doesn’t bode well with you.

You sighed deeply before puffing out your chest and straightening your shoulders. Even if you were dreading what might possibly be a stressful shift, you had to at least look confident.

When you saw Kylo on his bed, your confidence quickly dissipated. His chest was heaving, his teeth bared. He eyed you like you were mere pray for him to devour. Clearly, the night hadn’t treated him kindly. Or maybe it was the nurse...

You noticed that the sheets were strewn in every direction, the dressing on his side was hanging off and the wound on his face appeared to be infected. Clearly, the nurse hadn’t been routinely treating his wounds.

“What happened while I was gone?” You asked cautiously.

“What do you think happened?” He spat aggressively at you. He was always so volatile, which made your blood boil and you had to bite your tongue to stop yourself from snapping back at him.

“Well, it looks like your wounds haven’t been treated overnight.” You replied in a neutral tone. He huffed like a scorned child.

“No... they weren’t.” He replied under his breath and his shoulders began to slump back into the bed. When you walked in, he looked as though he was ready to rip your head off in a second, but now he looked almost timid. His energy had quickly calmed once you entered which fuelled the small warmth in your stomach.

“And why was that?” You attempted to not sound too patronising but you saw him tense slightly at your question.

“Because the previous nurse was an incompetent mess who couldn’t do her job.” He complained. His arms were crossed on top of the sheet that covered his chest. The knots in his hair you noticed yesterday only looked worse.

“Well, I’m going to have to do what she didn’t and clean up your wounds, because they are starting to look infected.” His gaze returned to yours and you carefully asked, “Is that okay?”

Kylo simply nodded and averted his eyes once again. You could see by the expression on his face that he was in pain, he was good at hiding it. But not good enough. The first thing you did was increase his pain meds which took immediate effect. His muscles relaxed and the wrinkles in his forehead faded.

You may have purposefully used more painkillers than necessary to make changing his dressings a little easier. At least now you know he won’t fight back or be bratty like yesterday.

He was now calm enough for you to begin your work, which you did in silence. There was tension in the air. The both of you knew you needed to talk, but neither of you wanted to start the conversation. Every now and again you noticed Kylo hesitate, his mouth opening to speak but quickly snapping shut.

You couldn’t help but watch him. How the muscles in his face tensed and relaxed when you touched his wounds. How his fingers tensed as he fisted his hands into the sheets and tried to hide any sign of pain on his face. Whether or not he had noticed you staring, you didn’t care. If he had a problem, you were sure he would have shared it by now.

It didn’t take you long to finish up treating him and after you had finished, he was looking better than ever.

“How are you feeling now?” You asked while cleaning up the equipment.

“Better.” Kylo spoke under his breath. You could feel his eyes staring into the back of your head.

When you turned around, your eyes locked with his. The bruising under his eye had dissipated somewhat, but there was still a shadow around his scar. Even in the small amount of time he had spent here, you noticed he had lost some weight. His cheeks looked hollow now and his collar bones more prominent.

“Well, if you’re feeling well enough, they might consider sending you back to your quarters. You will be able to recover better there.” His eyebrows raised slightly at your words, he was considering the option. “Maybe after lunch, I can ask someone to help me transfer you there.”

“I would like that.” His voice was quiet. When you smiled at him softly, he quickly avoided your gaze. You rolled your eyes in frustration. He was so difficult to get through to. It’s clear that he is afraid to show any sign of positive emotions.

After a few hours of awkward silence with the occasional exchange, it was approaching lunchtime. Kylo had napped most of the time allowing you to shamelessly stare at him. You knew yourself that it was creepy, but you couldn’t resist. The memory you had of Ben was so clear, that looking at Kylo felt like you were seeing him again for the first time.

You observed the differences in his face. The new scars, the worn skin and the more prominent creases in his forehead. Your hands twitched at your sides, itching to touch his skin, to run your fingers down his face.

There was something different between you this time. Different to when you knew him as a teenager. As though the saying you’d heard many times was true... that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

For a long time on the island, you had harboured a small crush on Ben. Besides, he was the first person to ever treat you like an equal. After a few years of pining, you had let go of your crush. It had only distracted you from your training, so you pushed it to the back of your mind. You wouldn’t have dared risk your friendship, so you moved on and he never knew of your affection for him.

But now, sat in front of him after so many years, you couldn’t deny the pull you felt towards him. You wanted nothing more than to jump into his arms. To feel his arms around you. To run your hands through his hair. To be comforted by him. But you knew that was just a fantasy. Kylo would barely talk to you let alone show any physical affection towards you.

You left the room briefly to pick up Kylo’s lunch from the main ward. Since Kylo’s room was at the furthest end of the hallway, it took too long for the food cart to reach his room. When you made your way back into his room, tray in hand, he was already sat up in bed.

Even with just a simple look from Kylo, your breath faltered. But you composed yourself quickly and moved towards his bed.

“I brought you your lunch.” You said as you placed the tray on a small table that pulled out from under his bed and rested just above his lap.

“I can see that.” He spoke in a smug tone. Again, you rolled your eyes but this time Kylo saw. His expression was far from amused.

You perched yourself on the chair beside him and watched as he unwrapped his utensils. His hands were shaking slightly. You could see that it took a lot of effort to move his sore and tired muscles. His brows were knitted it concentration and his chest heaved slightly. He didn’t look like he was in unbearable pain, but he was struggling a little bit.

The visible frustration only increased when he attempted to cut up his food. His hair had fallen into his eyes which only angered him further.

“Do you want help with that?” You asked timidly.

His eyes snapped up to yours and a loud sigh left his lips. He dropped the knife and fork onto his plate and gestured with his head towards his food. Rude...

But you stood anyway. You carefully cut his food into bite-sized pieces. Leaning over him slightly you soon noticed how close his face was to yours. You could feel his breath fluttering lightly over your cheek. Your hair, that had fallen as a barrier between you, swayed after each of his breaths. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see his hand move from under the table.

Your spine stiffened when you felt his fingers delicately caress the skin of your cheek. He pushed the hair from your face, tucking it behind your ear. His fingers lingered in your hair and you slowly moved your eyes towards him.

You were inches apart. He observed you carefully and your eyes flickered between his eyes and quickly to his lips for second in a moment of weakness. A small smirk formed on the corner of his mouth when he followed your gaze.

“Thank you.” His low voice sent tremors through your body. The hand behind your ear dropped to his side and you regained your composure, placing his knife and fork back onto his plate.

Briskly, you moved away from him and sat back in your seat. A blush had risen on your cheeks, you could feel the heat radiating from them. Kylo began to eat his lunch, the smirk never leaving his mouth. He found joy in humiliating you.

He ate without any issue, his hands no longer shaking. Typical. He had played you to get yet another reaction out of you. You sat in a huff, your arms crossed over your chest as your eyes roamed around the room.

Once he had finished, you picked up his empty tray and left his room without another word. You searched for the senior nurse who had previously treated Kylo to ask about his transfer back to his own quarters.

The main ward was significantly quieter today. All of the people who had minor injuries had now been discharged, leaving only the ones with serious injuries in the beds. The nurses were no longer running around and there was some level of calm now.

You found the senior easily, she agreed that Kylo should be moved back to his quarters. She told you they would send some troopers to move his bed and you assumed it was because the lowly nurses weren’t allowed to know where his quarters were.

There was no need for you to return to Kylo's room. Plus, you were still slightly irked from your earlier interaction. Now, he would be moved from the ward, he can recover on his own and you can have some time to yourself after your frustrating few days with Kylo.

You decided to busy yourself with other tasks to make sure you wouldn’t cross his path when he was moved. After a while, your grumbling stomach was too loud to ignore and you clocked out for your lunch break.

When you entered the canteen you immediately noticed Cora. When she saw you, a smile stretched across her face and she gestured wildly for you to join her. You couldn’t suppress the grin that formed on your lips, she was always such a joy to talk to.

“Miri! How have you been? I feel like I haven’t seen you in days!” Cora almost shouted as you say across from her.

“I know, I’m so sorry for leaving you. I was assigned to be Kylo's... personal nurse.” You chucked nervously, “But now I’m back on the main ward.”

“Oh, thank the makers you’re back! I’m bored mindless without you.” You and her both laughed.

Cora caught you up on some of the gossip travelling around the ward over lunch. She told you that there had been whisperings around the ward about what happened back on Starkiller. Apparently, there had been a girl. She had been the one who overpowered Kylo. You weren’t sure what to believe, gossip was just gossip at the end of the day.

On the way back to the ward, Cora asked you about the time you had spent with Kylo. You avoided any details and only told her that, luckily, he didn’t give you much trouble. That was obviously a lie, but she didn’t need to know.

The both of you returned to work, following orders and continuing to treat the remaining patients. There were only a few hours left of your shift and you were eager to get back to your room. But, you were interrupted.

The same senior nurse from earlier, who you finally found out was called Rina, approached you.

“Nurse Miri?” She asked once she was in front of you.

“Yes?”

“You’ve been personally requested.” She spoke with a sly smile.

“What do you mean...? By who?” Your brows knitted in confusion.

“Commander Ren has requested for you as his personal nurse during his recovery.”

Your mouth parted slightly, trying not to gape at her words. Was he serious? You thought he didn’t want to draw attention to your... relationship.

“A personal nurse?” You asked.

“Well, even though he has left the ward he still needs medical attention. It seems he’s taken a liking to you and he requested that you are to be his personal nurse from now on.”

You tried not to scoff at her words and plastered a fake smile onto your face.

“Okay... What should I do now then?”

“I need you to gather up the equipment you need and make your way to his quarters, he has requested for your presence as soon as possible.” She patted your shoulder lightly and smiled encouragingly at you.

You did as she asked and made your way around the ward to collect various items. It baffled you that Kylo was being so bold. He had told you himself that you needed to lay low and not bring any attention to yourself and he pulls something like this?

Two stormtroopers arrived and escorted you to Kylo’s quarters. You held your medical bag close to your chest and tried not to overthink what was happening. Although you and Kylo had already spent some time alone together, this was different. Now you would really be alone.

You were guided through the endless halls of the Dreadnought. You knew Kylo’s room was approaching as you noticed you were walking past less and less people. Eventually, you were brought to a stop in front of a huge door. The stormtroopers left you alone without even sparing you a single word.

Your palms became clammy as you awkwardly stood outside his door. Were you supposed to knock? Before you even had the chance to raise a fist to the metal, there was a deafening hiss as the door opened to reveal his quarters.

You cautiously stepped in and your eyes wandered around the expanse of the room. It was huge. To your right was what looked like a living area with a small kitchen in the corner. At the back of the room was a large window looking out to the galaxy. It was beautiful.

Just as you were about to walk towards the window, a voice came from one of the rooms on your left.

“In here.” Kylo’s gruff voice spoke. One of the doors was open just a slither and you moved to open it.

Kylo was laid in his bed, chest bare and surrounded by luxurious black satin sheets. His bed was huge, too big for just one person. There was another door to the back of his bed, which you assumed led to a refresher.

You dropped your medical bag at the end of his bed. A loud thud resonated through his room. His eyebrow rose as he took in your unamused expression.

“What happened to keeping a low profile?” You asked as you crossed your arm and dropped your weight onto one hip.

“I was recommended to ask for a personal nurse. I couldn’t think of anyone better than you.” Although his words were sweet, his tone was incredibly smug and patronising.

“So... I’m supposed to just stay in your quarters and answer to your every beck and call?” You couldn’t hold back the pissed off tone in your voice and you knew that would only provoke Kylo further.

“That’s exactly what you’re supposed to do. But you’re more than welcome to leave if that sounds so terrible to you.” He challenged.

You bit your cheek as you thought over his words. Yes, Kylo hadn’t been much of a pleasure to take care of, but you can’t deny that you enjoy being around him.

“Fine...” You spoke and you saw one side of Kylo’s lip quirk in amusement. “But, you have to let me brush your hair.” You reasoned.

The smirk dropped from his lips and he looked positively mortified at your suggestion.

“You want to brush my hair?” He asked, surprised.

“Yes. And then I’ll stay. Besides, have you seen yourself? It’s beginning to look like a hawk’s nest.” You tried not to laugh at his shocked expression.

He reached a hand up to his hair and tried to run his fingers through it, but was quickly stopped by one of the large knots twisted into his hair. His shoulders slumped and he considered you for a moment.

“Fine, if you must... but make it quick.” His voice was low and intimidating but you ignored it and attempted to not look too excited.

He nodded his head to his bedside table and you retrieved a brush from inside. You tentatively moved onto the bed and sat beside him on your knees. You swallowed nervously as you reached up to run a hand over his hair.

His shoulders tensed when your fingers carded through his hair for the first time. You started by removing some of the larger knots before going in with the brush. His hair is as soft as you remembered and you were mesmerized by the way it moved through your fingers.

You were so focussed on his hair, you didn’t notice that you had begun to hum. It was a simple tune, one you remembered from childhood. Kylo’s shoulders relaxed and his head turned to look at you, his hair slipping from your fingers.

“What are you singing?” He asked, his eyes staring into yours. They were softer than earlier, the brown of his eyes had become richer and the lines surrounding his eyes has faded into his skin.

“I don’t know... something from when I was young, I guess.” Your voice was barely a whisper.

“I know it...” His eyes were clouded by his thoughts, darting over your face. “Keep going.”

He turned his head away from you again. You were taken aback by his request but carried on regardless. You moved to sit more comfortably on your bum, your legs had become numb from kneeling so long.

You continued to hum the melody, his hair was now almost free from knots. He was significantly more relaxed than he had been earlier. His hands ran across the satin of his sheets and he watched as his fingers played with the fabric.

“All done.” You said with a small smile. You turned to place the hairbrush back on his bedside table and when you turned to face him again, he was already watching you.

You found it hard to discern the expression on his face. There was a warmth in his eyes but also... pain. You held his gaze for a moment, not knowing if you should move.

Just as you were about to shuffle off the bed, Kylo’s hand reached out to your arm. He pulled you firmly into him and you fell into his chest. His arms snaked around you, holding you to him tightly. You were shocked by his sudden display of affection but quickly melted into his arms.

Your arms slowly made their way around his waist. You buried your face into his chest, his scent surrounded you. You felt safe. You felt comforted.

You wanted to pinch yourself to check if you were dreaming. This was everything you ever wanted. One of his hands spread over your back and the other rested on the back of your head, holding you to him.

“I missed you.” Kylo spoke into your hair. The warmth of his breath sending a shiver down your spine. You smiled into his skin and you committed this feeling to memory.

“I missed you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! We are finally getting somewhere! I promise more tension and possibly more... interaction in the next chapter ;) Kudos and comments are always appreciated :))


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry again for the delay, I've been super stressed recently with my preparations for my year abroad. But everything is calming down now so I'll be posting more regularly and updates will take a week at most.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy! There's a lot of progression in this chapter ;)

_“I missed you too.”_

The hand at the back of your head teased its way into hair, Kylo’s fingers massaged your scalp gently. Your cheek was pressed against his bare chest, his heartbeat fluttered against your skin. You were in shock from the sudden movement but you revelled in the moment. 

Finally, you were back in his arms... and _he_ had reached out for you. His head rested atop of yours, occasionally grazing his lips against your hair. He was holding you tight to him, as though you would disappear before his eyes at any second. But he was gentle, kind and caring. 

You were so caught up in the moment that the aching in your muscles, caused by the twisted position you were in, hardly phased you. The embrace felt as though it lasted hours, but it must have only been a few minutes before Kylo pulled away slowly. His hands lingered on your arms as he let you go.

Once you were out of his arms, you looked up at him. There was a nervousness that formed in your belly at first. You were unsure if his mood would change at any moment and he would push you away again. But you were pleasantly surprised when you saw the weak smile on his lips. The smile was quickly reflected on your face.

Everything that you had been through in the past five years, all the hardships and the pain... it was all worth it for this moment. To see him smile again. It wasn’t just his lips smiling, you could see the smile in his eyes. His now bright and vibrant eyes. 

Kylo reached out a hand across the space between you, tracing a small pattern on the back of your hand. You both sat in silence for a moment, the energy around you was peaceful. 

“Thank you.” Kylo’s voice broke through the silence. 

“What for?” You asked.

“For coming back to me.” His eyes searched yours. That boyish smile on his face sent butterflies soaring in your belly. 

You were overwhelmed after what had just happened. It seemed too perfect. This was everything you had wanted and once your brain caught up with reality, tears began to form in your eyes. Happy tears.

Kylo’s brow furrowed in concern but you quickly distracted him by pulling yourself up onto your knees and wrapping your arms around his neck. You felt Kylo huff out a breath as you collided with him. He didn’t even hesitate to wrap his arms around your middle. His arms, his hands consumed your back, trapping you in his embrace.

One of your hands rested at the base of his neck and you twisted your fingers into the hair there. Now that you had brushed out all the knots, you could sift through his hair with ease. 

You felt his back stiffen all of a sudden causing you to pull away from him. He looked at you sheepishly and he moved a hand to scratch at his neck. An uneasy feeling settled in your stomach.

“I’m... uh, sorry. I didn’t mean to...” You stuttered out, afraid that Kylo would snap. 

Kylo’s eyes widened, he waved his hands out in front of him.

“No, no I just... I uh,” He paused and shifted with the sheets around him. “I just need a shower.” There was a slight chuckle in his voice and your worries were instantly eased.

“Oh,” You laughed awkwardly. “Yeah of course... I’ll make us some dinner then.” There was a question in your voice. You were unsure what Kylo wanted you to do here. There hadn’t even been a chance for you to ask where you would be sleeping or how long you had to stay. 

Kylo considered you for a moment before nodding and you moved cautiously off of the bed. You straightened out your clothes, brushing out the creases. That was another issue... where were your clothes? 

“I had some of your clothes moved here. They are in the wardrobe on the right.” Kylo spoke as though he had read your mind. 

“Oh... Thank you.” You stood awkwardly in front of him for a moment. Kylo’s eyes raked over you, from your head to your toes. There was a spark in his eyes that was unfamiliar to you and it was hard to guess what he was thinking at this moment. 

The atmosphere around you was suffocating. There was an awkwardness now after your...embrace. You decided it was best for you to leave before he had time to think too much about it. If he overthinks what just happened between you, he might regret it. And then he might push you away. 

You quickly shuffled towards to door but you were stopped in your tracks. Kylo’s voice sliced through the air when he groaned out your name. You were frozen in your spot facing the door and after a moment you decided to turn back to face him. 

His chest was heaving and you noticed he was trying to swing his legs over the side of the bed. He looked at you through his lashes, his breath laboured and his shoulders rising and falling at a rapid rate.

“Can you help me? I can’t get up on my own.” He grunted. The look in his eyes told you that he hated asking for help. He never showed weakness. 

You didn’t bother to reply and moved towards him without a word. He raised his arm up to your shoulder to anchor himself. You helped him pull off the sheets covering his lower body. Luckily, he was wearing some lounge pants and you avoided the embarrassment of him being completely naked. 

He wasn’t exactly a small man, in fact, he was quite huge... So, getting him up from the bed was quite a task. But after some struggle and some groans and grunts from him, you managed to help him stand up. Once he was stood on his two feet you looked up at him from under his arm. 

His face was contorted in pain and he was breathing heavily. The wound in his side and shoulder was clearly still very painful. He tried to mask his pain as best he could, keeping a straight face when he managed to compose himself. But the sweat that beaded on his forehead told you a different story.

He took a few shaky steps with your help. As you approached the refresher door his back straightened and he dropped his arm from your shoulder. 

“I can handle it from here.” He spoke in a neutral tone, once again masking any sign of pain. 

“Okay.” You replied, not caring to argue back or try to help him. He very rarely accepts help when its offered. He has to be the one to ask first. 

You walked towards his bedroom door, still looking back to make sure he didn’t fall. He seemed steady enough on his feet, so you left his room and made your way into the kitchen.

From the kitchen, you could still hear the faint sound of the shower turning on. You looked through the kitchen cupboards and fridge trying to find something to cook. You weren’t much of a chef, but you had managed to learn a few tricks here and there over the past few years. In the fridge, there were a few steaks and various vegetables. That was easy enough to cook.

Just as you pulled out a pan from one of the cupboards, you heard a bang coming from Kylo’s room. There was the sound of bottles falling to the floor followed by an even louder crash of a body falling to the floor. 

You dropped everything in the kitchen and ran through to the refresher. As you entered his bedroom you could hear his groans louder and a hoarse shout of your name rang through the air. 

“Kylo!” You shouted as you flung open the refresher door.

Your limbs froze once you entered. Kylo was sprawled out on the shower floor. Naked and bleeding. 

One of his hands rested on the wound on his side, the blood still seeping through his fingers. The other hung over his crotch to at least keep some of his dignity. You noticed that he had taken off the bandage that covered his injury, which is why it must be bleeding so much. 

“Kylo,” You spoke breathlessly, “What happened?” 

“I slipped, and my stitches...” He moved his hand to reveal the torn stitches in his side and a steady flow of blood seeped onto the shower floor, merging with the water beneath him. A hiss left his lips and his chest rose and fell at a rapid rate.

“Let me help you up.” You said after a moment and moved towards him. You grabbed a towel from the countertop to help cover him. 

Kylo didn’t struggle this time. He looked defeated. His wet hair clung to his face, the water cascaded from the tips of his hair down his face and across his chest. You tried not to stare too long, but his current state was... distracting. 

You turned off the shower and handed him the towel. He covered his middle loosely with the towel and you leaned down to his level. Since you came into the room, he had avoided eye contact, but now he looked up to you. Once again, there was a vulnerability in his gaze. You gave him a weak smile but he could sense the worry in your eyes.

“I’ll be okay. Just help me up.” You did as he asked and you hoisted him up from the floor 

He leant all his weight on you and you struggled to stay balanced. He grunted and groaned as he stood up straight which only aggravated his wound more. He secured the towel around his middle as he leaned against you. 

Blood was now seeping into the towel and your clothes. You tried your best to help Kylo out of the room, but he was so large compared to you that it made every step difficult. 

After some struggle, you managed to help Kylo back onto his bed. You laid him down atop of the sheets and rushed to find your medical bag that you brought with you.

You returned to his bed, bag in your hand. Kylo’s hair was spread out wildly across his pillow, a fine layer of sweat covered his forehead. 

Kneeling beside him, you unloaded your equipment onto the bed. He needed more stitches and a new dressing. You swear, if he breaks these stitches again you will just leave him to suffer next time. 

After replacing these stitches multiple times now, your muscle memory kicked into action and you made quick work of his wound after you administered some painkillers. His eyes burned into the back of your head the entire time. You could see his fingers twitching at his side with your every touch. 

No matter how much you focussed on your work, the thin towel covering his crotch became very distracting. In order to have access to his wound, the towel rested on his lower hips leaving very little to the imagination. You were mesmerised by the V-shaped muscles on the side of his hips and the perfectly carved muscles on his stomach. 

Snapping yourself out of your wandering mind, you returned your attention to fixing the stitches and you dressed his wound in fresh bandages. Whenever your fingers made contact with his skin, your heart leapt in your chest. What had gotten into you? 

You had done this many times before, but the atmosphere that surrounded you both felt different this time. It was tense and suffocating... But you liked it. It was as though you were being smothered by his energy, and you welcomed it with open arms.

Kylo was now relaxed and you finished up dressing his side. Your fingers lightly brushed over the towel edge and you tugged it higher on his hips. As you pulled away, his hand darted out to yours and gripped your wrist. Your eyes met his and he guided your hand closer to him. You had no choice but to shuffle closer to him. 

“Thank you.” Kylo spoke lowly. He began to shift himself up into a sitting position. The painkillers had worked a treat and he moved without flinching. 

He leaned his back against the headboard, pushing his now slightly damp hair out of his eyes. You were sat silently beside him, not knowing what to do or say. The hand that held yours now rested on his chest, the warmth of his skin radiated through yours.

You weren’t sure if he wanted you to move... if he wanted you to leave. There were only a few inches separating you. Your breath mingled with his in the space between you. It was impossible to control your heart rate as you stared into his eyes. 

Once again, you counted the freckles that speckled his cheeks. He looked healthier now, his skin looked brighter and his cheeks were now a light shade of pink. Your eyes darted to his lips for only a second, hoping he wouldn’t notice. 

“You’re nervous,” Kylo stated as fact. It caught you off guard and your eyebrows knitted in confusion. “Why?” He asked.

“I uh... I don’t know what you mean.” You stuttered a response.

“Your heart. I can feel it beating faster.” 

Your throat constricted and you attempted to move away from him but he held you even closer. 

“Yes, you make me nervous. Now can I leave?” You tried your best to keep your voice steady. But judging by Kylo’s smirk, you hadn’t sounded convincing enough. 

“No, not yet.” He responded, “Tell me why I make you nervous.”

“Because you’re intimidating. I can’t predict what you’re going to do next. You... confuse me.” Kylo was pulling you closer every second. 

“Confuse you how?” His voice was so low that you could feel it shake your bones. 

“Because one second you’re ready to rip my head off, and the next you do something like this.” You could feel the heat radiating from his skin, making it difficult to concentrate on anything other than how beautiful he looked in this moment.

“Like this?” He asked.

“Yes... You change. The way you look at me... it’s different.”

“Do you want me to stop?” 

You gasped quietly. The question alone lit a fire deep in your stomach. After a few shaky breaths you managed to respond...

“No.” 

As soon as the word left your lips, Kylo rushed forward. His lips met yours in a soft kiss. You were stunned at first, your muscles rigid and your mind blank. 

When his hand cupped your cheeks, the reality crashed over you. Eagerly, you returned the kiss. Your eyes fluttered closed and you melted into his touch. 

His lips were plush and soft, but you could feel the small cracks in the skin against your lips. The kiss was slow and meaningful. You channelled all your emotions into the kiss, hoping that Kylo would feel how much the kiss meant to you. 

Your lips moulded perfectly with his and they parted slightly when you felt a warm hand land on your waist. Kylo took this chance to snake his tongue across the opening of your mouth. He expertly traced along the inside of your lip as you kissed. 

Your hands came to rest on his shoulders, being careful to avoid his tender wound.

The kiss grew heated when your tongues danced together. You leaned up on your knees to get closer to him and his arm weaved around your waist to pull you further into him. The hand on your cheek now falling to you neck possessively. 

You tangled a hand in the hair at the base of his neck. A small moan escaped his lips when you pulled lightly at the hair. He groaned into your mouth and pulled you until your chest touched his. 

Kissing him felt like falling. Falling into an abyss that you knew you would never escape. But you were content. You had accepted this. You knew now that there would be no returning back to what you and he used to have. Now, there was just moving forward. 

You pulled away from him, his lips pulled on your bottom one as you broke the kiss. The both of you were panting for breath as you stared at each other. You looked for any sign of regret in his eyes, but you only saw happiness. 

After all those years pinning after him, you would never have imagined this day would come. You had thought countless times about kissing Ben back on the island. But coming back to him was never about that, it was now just a welcome change in your journey. 

A smile graced his lips and it was the most beautiful smile you had ever seen. This was the first time since seeing him again that you thought you could see the tiny remnants of Ben. But that didn’t matter to you now. Whether he was Kylo or Ben, it didn’t matter to you anymore. You were just happy to be with him in this moment. 

Kylo moved his hand to rest his hand on your cheek, his thumb caressing the rose tint on your skin. A whisper of your name fell from his lips, sending a shiver down your spine. 

“I’ve waited for you for so long.” He whispered. “I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.” 

His eyes searched your face, his forehead creased. 

“Well you don’t have to think like that anymore... I’m here now.” You comforted. 

“But I don’t deserve you.” His voice was filled with anguish. He dropped his hand from your face to lay in his lap. You could see tears forming in the corner of his eyes. 

“Don’t say that... I know you have done bad things and I’m not saying I completely forgive you,” You paused. Kylo searched your face, confused by your statement. “But I know you. I know that there is a reason you did those things.” 

You placed a hand on his cheek, pushing the stray strands of hair from his eyes. 

“You would hate me if you knew what I had done.” His voice wavered slightly. 

“I could never hate you.” 

A stray tear fell down his cheek and his shoulders slumped. He fell into your arms, clutching at your clothes. You wrapped yourself around him and comforted him as he fought back tears. 

Your hands stroked over his hair and down his back. He just needed someone to hold him. He needed you. 

You felt warm tears trickle down your collarbone and your heart ached for him. There was something he wasn’t telling you... you could sense that he was hiding something from you. And you would bet anything that it was about what happened back on Starkiller.

“Just please... please don’t leave me.” He whimpered into your neck. 

“I’ll never leave you.” You spoke, lips pressed into his damp hair. “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all enjoyed! And I promise things will get more steamy and angsty in the next chapter ;) ;) 
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated 🤗


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy this one... It's about to get steamy in here 😏

Kylo calmed himself eventually. When his tears stopped, you could feel him become uncomfortable and restless in your arms. Clearly, he was second-guessing opening up to you and maybe even the kiss too. His shoulders tensed and he separated himself from you, once again reverting back to treating you like a stranger. He avoided your eyes as he shifted back into his bed, fidgeting with the sheets and the thin towel covering his crotch.

That was an hour ago. You had excused yourself to the kitchen when his tears had begun to dry on your shoulder and the taste of his lips on yours was just a memory. Neither of you had eaten so you decided to start making dinner again. Occasionally you traced a single finger across your lips, trying to burn the feeling of the kiss into your mind. The more time passed, the harder it was to believe that the kiss was even real. Especially when Kylo refuses to even look you in the eye now.

Whilst the steaks cooked you tiptoed into his room to retrieve some of your clothes, considering your current scrubs were now covered in blood.

You noticed that Kylo ignored your presence completely, not even sparing you a glance. It was clear something was bothering him. His tensed jaw and furrowed brows told you as much. The towel that he used to maintain his dignity was now on the floor next to him. He’d settled himself under the covers and you’d hoped he changed into some pants himself while you were gone.

Without making much noise, you found your transferred night clothes and changed into them in the refresher.

When you walked back into his room, dirty clothes cradled in front of your chest, Kylo raked his eyes from your head to your toes. The cold chill left goosebumps on your exposed legs, the night dress only coming to rest near your knees. As he examined your appearance, you noticed the vein in his neck bulge as he clenched his jaw. Had you angered him again in some way?

Deciding you were done with his petty tantrums, you began to scan the room for somewhere to leave your blood-soaked scrubs. Before you could even open your mouth to ask, he gestured towards the laundry hamper in the corner of his room with a simple nod. It was as though he knew what you were thinking before you even thought it.

You dragged your feet across the floor, your thoughts conflicted.

Why did he do this? You hated that he gave you some sort of hope. Whenever he showed any sign of kindness towards you, you held onto it for dear life. Then he ripped it away from you the next second.

How can he go from hugging you, crying into your shoulder and kissing you like his life depended on it, to looking at you like a piece of dirt on the bottom of his boot? The moment you think you’re getting through to him is the moment you become a fool. He will never change. His stubbornness outweighs any amount of kindness he may hold in his heart for you.

Huffing out a breath, you throw your clothes into the hamper and make your way towards the kitchen once again. You stop at his door and look over your shoulder to address him as you leave.

“Dinner will be ready soon. I’ll bring it through when it’s ready.” You speak in a neutral tone.

“Where will you eat?” He asks.

“In the kitchen?” You reply, confused by his question.

He doesn’t reply for a moment as he contemplates something.

“You can...” He begins but stops to clear his throat. “You will eat in here with me.”

You arch an eyebrow in surprise, but his stern expression tells you that it’s best not to argue with him. With a simple nod, you leave his room to finish up dinner.

Your head might explode with all the mixed messages he’s sending you. It was clear to you that he was battling with his emotions. You knew there was something inside of him that wanted to reach out to you, the tether holding you together was enough to convince you of that. But he was trying his best to suppress that part of him. He saw that side of him as a weakness.

Dinner was ready and you began to plate up the cooked steaks and vegetables. You cut up Kylo’s steak for him, knowing he would be too weak to do it for himself. And since he insisted that you sat in his room with him, you cut up your food too considering you would be eating from your lap.

You carried your plates through to his room. Kylo sat himself up against his headboard and you placed the plate on his lap. Immediately, he noticed that you had cut up his food for him. He stared at it confused for a moment before nodding slowly.

“Thank you.” He spoke softly.

“You’re welcome.”

Standing awkwardly, plate in hand, you scanned the room for an appropriate place to eat.

Kylo smiled slightly as he patted the space on the bed next to him. You reluctantly joined him on the bed and shuffled to try and get comfortable with your back resting on the headboard.

You and Kylo ate in silence. The only noises in the room were uncomfortable chewing sounds and the clinking of your forks against the plates.

It was getting late now and you had almost finished your food. There were so many unanswered questions still floating around in your head. Most of them about the kiss you had shared earlier but others were about the logistics of being Kylo’s personal nurse.

As you pushed around the last few vegetables on your plate with your fork, you mustered up the last of your courage to ask him a question.

“Where am I sleeping tonight?”

You stared at your plate, not daring to look at him even though you could feel his stare burning into your skin.

“Right here.” He replied, his voice deep and steady.

That forced you to snap your head up to look at him. His smug face looked back at you.

“What do you mean? Isn’t there a spare room?” You asked and attempted to hide the apprehension in your voice.

“No, there isn’t.” He responded as he finished the last of his food.

“Well... I’ll, uh... I’ll sleep on the floor. Or on the sofa.” You stuttered, your facade slowly fading.

“You will sleep right there.”

Your throat constricted at his firm tone, sending shivers down your spine. It wasn’t a question, it was a demand.

His lips curled up into a slight smirk and you stared back at him with wide eyes. He took no notice of your shocked expression as he took your empty plate from your lap and placed it onto the table beside him.

The slight brush of his fingers against your thigh made your heart jump into your throat. He was doing this on purpose, you knew he was toying with you. Quickly, you composed yourself and you shuffled under the covers. Your exposed legs had become increasingly colder as you sat on his bed and the warmth of Kylo’s sheets instantly relaxed you as you sunk into them.

Kylo watched with an amused expression as you snuggled further into the bed. You didn’t even care to ask if he would be sleeping anytime soon, you were too exhausted to care. He remained propped up against the headboard and he watched as you pulled the covers up to your shoulders.

“Tired?” Kylo asked as he looked down his nose at you.

“Yes, I’m going to sleep now... If you don’t mind.” You replied in a snarky tone.

“Not at all.”

Kylo turned to the side and used his datapad to dim the lights. Without another word, you turned to face away from him. Your legs rested on the edge of the bed and you created as much distance between you as possible.

Even though your body was screaming for sleep, you found it hard to fall into a slumber. Your eyes were screwed shut and your legs pulled up into your chest, but you still couldn’t stop your mind from wandering. There were so many thoughts swimming around your head that it was almost impossible to clear your mind.

Eventually, Kylo had turned off the lights completely and settled into the bed beside you. That was a while ago now, and you were still fighting to calm your mind.

No matter how hard you tried, your thoughts always returned to the same thing. The kiss.

You had recalled it so many times that you were starting to think it may not have even happened at all. It couldn’t have. It was too good to be true.

The way he had kissed you was so passionate. The way he caressed your cheek, how he held you close, it was...perfect. He was so vulnerable and you knew that must have been hard for him, but you wish he would stop closing himself off from you.

You wanted nothing more than to kiss him again, to know that you hadn’t imagined it. You had waited for that kiss since you were just a teenager crushing on a scruffy looking boy who only saw you as a friend. Ever since the day he left you on that island, you had sacrificed everything you had to find your way back to him. And now that you were here, sharing a bed with a man that you had kissed mere hours ago, you weren’t even sure you could say that you know him. The man asleep next to you wasn’t the same boy you had fallen in love with... but he could be. Eventually.

A frustrated sigh left your lips as you grew restless. Slowly, you shuffled under the covers and turned onto your other side.

To your surprise, through the darkness, you could see Kylo’s eyes staring back at you. He was facing you, wide awake.

“Your thoughts are incredibly loud.” Kylo’s deep voice vibrated through you.

You suppressed a gasp as the realisation that Kylo just heard all of your thoughts washed over you. It felt as though a bucket of ice-cold water had been dumped on you.

“I’m sorry... I, I thought you were asleep.” You replied, almost a whisper.

Kylo didn’t reply. Instead, he moved ever so slightly closer to you. Now, he was only inches away from you. You could feel the flutter of his breath tickle against your cheeks.

“Is that really how you feel about me?” He asked under his breath.

You were overwhelmed by the proximity between your faces and your mind went blank.

“What do you mean?”

“You really think you could love someone like me?” He replied, his voice clouded with sadness.

“Like you?” You asked as you searched his face. Your eyes flickered over his face, before returning to his eyes. Those eyes that held so many of his secrets.

“A monster.” He spat. He truly believed he was incapable of being loved. You saw it in his eyes and your heart shattered.

“I don’t think you’re a monster.” You raised a hand to rest on his cheek. The creases in his forehead eased at your touch and he sighed deeply.

“You are holding on to the idea of the boy you once knew... He's dead. You don’t know what I’ve become.” Kylo’s head dipped and he avoided your gaze.

“I want to know you...” You lifted his face in the hope that he will see in your eyes that you’re telling the truth, “Please... don’t shut me out.” You pleaded.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” His voice broke slightly. The look in his eyes told you that he was scared. He was scared of what he could or might do.

“I trust you.” You stroked your thumb across the skin of his cheek, “And I’ll wait for you... take all the time you need. I’ll always be here.”

You leaned up slightly, pulling yourself even closer to him and you pressed your lips lightly to his forehead. For a moment, you rested your lips against his skin. Kylo snaked an arm around your waist and up your back to hold you close to him.

When you pulled away and moved back down next to him, he pulled you even closer. His arm tightened around you like a vice. Your hand remained on his cheek as you both looked at each other. There was a shadow of a smile on his lips which only made yours grow bigger.

A comfortable silence enveloped you as each of you took in the others features. You would never tire of marking out shapes amongst his freckles.

Moments passed, and you noticed a slight quirk at the corner of his mouth as he watched you. There was a soft fondness that radiated from his eyes.

“What?” You giggled lightly under his intense gaze.

He shook his head and the smile grew bigger, a small chuckle rumbled from his chest. Kylo brought up a hand to push a stray strand of hair from your eyes to behind your ear. His hand gently caressed your cheek and a whisper of you name floated from his lips.

“You’re so beautiful.” He whispered.

Shocked by his words, your breath caught in your throat. Those words warmed your whole body and filled you with an unfamiliar feeling. Your heart soared and you smiled brightly at him. You hope he knows what those words mean to you.

A thought flashed across your mind. Was this the first time he had thought you were beautiful?

“No.” Kylo’s voice broke through the air, making you jump slightly. “You were the prettiest girl I’d ever seen when we first met...” He smiled thoughtfully as he remembered your first meeting back at the Jedi temple.

“And then you grew up into the beautiful woman that you are now... I was too afraid to tell you back then. We were just kids, and I thought I’d be able to forget you. But you were the first and last face I saw every day for all those years.”

You were at a loss for words. He had quite literally taken your breath away.

“Kylo... I” You were cut off.

“It’s okay, I know how you feel about me. I just needed you to know that I feel the same way... and I have for a very long time.”

Kylo shuffled even closer, your bodies were now pressed together under the covers. The only thing separating you from him was a thin pair of boxers. Your hands pressed against his firm chest, his hand now holding you to him at the base of your spine.

You were both breathing heavily, your lips almost touching. The tip of his nose brushed against yours and heart skipped a beat. The tension in the air was palpable and you wondered what the next move was.

You were tired of waiting, and you rushed forward to crash your lips to his. He paused momentarily before quickly returning the kiss.

Your hand desperately grasped at his good shoulder, pulling him into you and the other weaved into his hair. This kiss was more rushed and heated than the other one you had shared. Your lips glided over each other’s, your tongues and teeth clashed as the kiss became more passionate.

His hand fiercely grabbed and pulled your hips into his. A light moan fell from your lips and Kylo grunted in response. One of his hands came to lay on your collarbone possessively. You were sure he could feel your pulse under your skin.

You felt as though you were floating. This is everything you’d ever wanted and more. There was a white-hot fire burning deep inside you. The tether between you was shining so bright that you could feel the energy radiating from it in every cell of your body.

Both of you were screaming out for each other. Your bodies craved each other and you indulged in the sensation of his arms around you, consuming you.

The kiss deepened and he sunk his teeth into your bottom lip, tugging at it lightly as he pulled away. You moaned into his mouth and you bucked your hips into his.

Kylo hissed through his teeth and his fingers dug into the flesh of your hips as you brushed against his bulge. You felt him growing harder against your hips as you slowly pushed yourself into him.

His hand that rested over your collarbone tightened up over your throat ever so slightly. The pressure there only fuelled the fire burning between your thighs.

Kylo noticed your thighs moving against each other as you grew more frustrated and a smirk formed on his lips.

“You like that?” He groaned, the low timbre of his voice travelling straight between your legs.

You looked up at him through your lashes, his eyes were consumed by desire as he stared down at you.

The hand around your throat tightened again and a small, but loud enough for him to hear, moan fell from your lips.

Kylo hummed in approval and his tongue poked out to wet his lip. The hand loosened and you gasped slightly for air.

He pulled you roughly back towards him, his lips devouring yours. Your fingers scratched lightly on his shoulder blade. You heard him grunt and groan each time your nails glided across his skin.

His hand on your hip slowly traced down your thigh towards the edge of your night dress. When he reached the hem, his fingers danced along the edge before pushing up under the material. He traced a line up your thigh towards your bare ass.

Kylo groaned into your mouth as he cupped your flesh in his hand. You were a gasping, panting mess. All of your senses were on fire and you tried to memorize each and every touch he left on your body.

He pulled you into him again, his fully hard member pressed into your thigh. The passion inside of you bubbled over and you traced along his lip with your tongue. Kylo groaned loudly into your mouth and his hand shot down to your thigh.

Roughly, he hiked your leg up and over his hip. His hardened length brushed against your core. The rough material of his boxers rubbed against your clit sending a shockwave of pleasure through you. Just as a loud moan escaped you, Kylo flinched and he grunted out in pain.

You instinctively pulled away from him and your leg fell from his hip. His hand reached down to his side and it was then you noticed the bandage there.

“I’m so sorry.” You gasped. He cradled his side and you sat up in the bed.

Tentatively, you reached over to his side and checked his wound. Luckily there were no tears in the stitches and no fresh blood.

“No, no it’s okay.” Kylo wheezed slightly.

“I’ll get you some painkillers.” You said as you rushed up out of the bed. He reached out for you but you were already halfway towards your bag.

Behind you, you heard the sheets move as Kylo tried to sit up. Once you had retrieved the syringe of painkiller, you came back to sit next to him.

Considering what had just happened, the atmosphere was awkward as you administered the drugs. You discarded the syringe and slumped down next to him, trying not to make your sigh of frustration too obvious.

Looking over to Kylo, you saw a wide grin plastered on his face. His shoulders jumped as he chuckled quietly. You couldn’t help but laugh in return.

“What’s so funny?” You asked.

“Really killed the mood, didn’t I?” He replied through strained laughs.

“Well, I think we may have just gotten ahead of ourselves.” You fidgeted with your fingers in your lap, attempting to hide the disappointment in your voice.

“Right...” He said slowly.

The chuckles died down leaving a thick silence between you. Both of you were unsure of what to do now and after a few moments, you got back under the sheets. It was impossible to ignore the uncomfortable wetness between your thighs, and you wanted nothing more than to jump on him right now. But you know that he is still too fragile to do the things you so desperately crave.

“We should... uh,” You tried to find words to alleviate the tension.

“Yeah, we should sleep.” He said in a neutral tone.

The lights dimmed once again and you could hear the steady breaths from the man lying beside you. Turning over to face him, you moved closer to him and he mirrored you.

Although there was some awkwardness, you could still see that small spark in his eyes.

“Goodnight.” You smiled at him.

Kylo sighed with a slight quirk in his lip as he laced an arm over your waist and pulled you into his chest.

Your head rested against his good shoulder and you felt the light caress of his warm lips on your forehead.

“Goodnight.” He spoke into your hair.

You smiled against his skin and cuddled into him. His warmth surrounded you and you have never felt safer. The both of you moulded together perfectly, his steady beating heart lulled you into a calm state of mind.

Unlike before, your mind was clear and your body was relaxed. The tension that always seemed to be held in Kylo’s shoulders had dissipated and his arms fell loosely around you.

He tangled his legs around yours so that every area of skin was touching one another. You did your best to ignore the softening length that was nestled against your leg. Now, you were content to just be surrounded by him and nothing but him.

After years of searching and years of seeking out the man that you now shared a bed with... You could easily say that this is where you belong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm soooo sorry leaving you guys on the edge like that, but I couldn't resist dragging it out a little bit more. I promise smut will be coming very very soon (pardon the pun) and definitely more angst...;)
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated and I hope you enjoyed! 🤗


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I'm so sorry for leaving this story for so long but I've been crazy busy. But I just arrived in Korea for my year abroad and I have a bunch of free time for the next 2 weeks (quarantine has some postivies), so I'm hoping to get going with this story again. It was actually a really sweet comment that motivated me to keep writing this so thank you for everyone's nice comments and they are always really appreciated! 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyy I promise that the best is yet to come!

A light murmur in the dark roused you from your sleep. You could feel the absence of Kylo’s arm around your waist that had surrounded you just moments ago. The murmer caught your attention again, this time it was a fraction louder than before. 

Shuffling under the covers, you turned to face Kylo. He was laid on his back, arms tensed at his sides. A sheen of sweat had formed on his furrowed brow. The dim light reflected off of his pale skin and you noticed the slight quiver on his lips. 

You admired his profile for a second, your heart fluttered slightly as you took in his features. As he murmured and whimpered like a puppy, you just watched and gawked at the man lying beside you. The man who, by day, was a high commander of the first order. A looming figure who could silence a room by only his presence. A man who was now talking in his sleep like a small child that yearned for comfort and care. 

The warm feeling that radiated through you as you watched him was quickly washed away by an ice-cold chill. His small whimpers were now laced with pained groans and the creases in his forehead deepened. Shaky breaths escaped his lips and his hands fisted into the covers as he squirmed. 

Not sure whether or not to wake him, you moved ever so slightly closer to him on the bed cautiously. 

The groans grew louder and more frequent. Incoherent words spilled over his lips as his sweat-slicked hair clung to his forehead. 

“S-sorry.” You thought you heard him say. Another groan erupted from him, but this time it was more of a scream and you flinched as his body writhed aggressively. 

“I know what I have to do...” He spat through clenched teeth. “But I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.” His eyes were clenched and a small tear escaped through his lashes. 

You watched in shock, not knowing if it was wise to wake him in this state. It was silent for a moment. His chest rose and fell at a rapid rate as spit escaped through his clenched teeth. 

Suddenly, a deep and guttural scream wracked Kylo’s body. You cowered in shock as his fists punched into the mattress. 

“Kylo!” You screamed, but he didn’t react to your outburst. 

This had gone on long enough, he needed to wake up. His screams formed into angry growls and he attempted to sit up in the bed. 

You reached out a hand and placed it on his shoulder. His skin was burning hot and a layer of sweat covered his whole body. 

“Kylo!” You shouted again, louder this time, as you shook him firmly. 

His eyes shot open and it looked as though he had stopped breathing completely. Before you had a chance to be relieved that you had roused him from his nightmare, you were pinned to the bed.

Kylo had moved at lightning speed, his hand grasped at your throat and held you to the bed. His strong thighs pinning you to the bed under him. A gasp struggled to escape your lips as your eyes widened in surprise. 

He looked down at you, his eyes void of any emotion other than burning anger. His shadow consumed you and panic took over your body. 

You writhed under him, kicking and punching but to no avail. His body was static above you, unmoving and solid. A white haze formed over your eyes as you struggled to breathe. 

His fingertips dug into your skin harshly and pain radiated through your skin. You attempted to push him off of you, digging deep into your mind as your tried to summon the force to push against him. But he was too strong. An impenetrable barrier surrounded him blocking any of your efforts to use the force against him.

You pleaded with your eyes, searching for any hint of remorse from the man above you. There was nothing. The face looking down on you was one you had only seen once before. That night at the Jedi temple. 

A deep fear filled your entire body and you felt you muscles begin to seize and grow limp. Gasping desperately for air, you made one last attempt to reach out to him. 

Slowly, you reached out your hand to him. He flinched away but you pushed further with the last of your energy. Your hand came to rest lightly against his cheek as a single tear rolled down yours.

You vision became blurry but not before you saw Kylo’s eyes soften as your thumb moved across his cheek. 

All at once, air rushed back into your lungs. Kylo had fallen backwards away and off of you. You coughed and sputtered as the air burned as it travelled down your throat. 

Cowering against the headboard, you watched as Kylo paced at the end of the bed. When he looked back at you, he stopped dead on the spot. There was an unreadable expression on his face. Was it sadness? Regret? ...Grief? 

Tears flowed freely down your face as the reality of what just happened hit you. You were mere seconds away from death and that thought sent a chill down your spine. 

A whisper of your name caught your attention. Kylo was still staring at you. 

“I... I’m sorry.” He whispered. 

Your mind went blank as you failed to form a reply. What could you say? It’s okay? You didn’t feel okay. 

You attempted to speak but your voice broke and coughs wracked your body. Kylo attempted to move closer to you but you held out a hand to stop him moving towards you. 

Your head fell to the floor as your still weak limbs carried you to the bathroom door. 

“I’m going to take a shower.” Your voice came out as a rasp. You didn’t even look back towards Kylo as you escaped to the bathroom. 

Now that you were alone, you allowed your body to slump against the door. You sobbed. Your throat burned with every breath and cry. 

You wondered what Kylo was doing now. Did he feel guilty?

Endless thoughts flooded your mind as you showered. It must have been the longest shower of your life. Anything to keep you from having to talk to Kylo about what happened. 

You really thought things were getting better. Things had been going so well... probably too well. It was only a matter of time before this happened and you had been stupid to think this would be a smooth journey. 

All of your bottled-up emotions from the past few days came crashing down on you. And despite what had just happened, you couldn’t deny that your feelings had... developed. 

The kiss you shared had meant something, and you were sure it meant something to him too. 

The next couple days had passed in an awkward haze. You kept yourself busy as to avoid any conversation with Kylo. You cleaned his room, the kitchen, the living area and you cooked every meal from scratch as a way to waste time through the day.

You and Kylo had hardly exchanged any conversation since the incident. He had attempted to apologise a few times but quickly gave up after you dismissed him each time. 

Meals were eaten in silence and you slept as far away from him as possible on the bed at night. You had caught him glancing at the aggressive red and purple bruise that had formed around your neck. Each time, his skin became a sickly pale colour and he couldn’t look at it for more than a few seconds. 

You shared his discomfort. Each time you caught a glimpse of the hand-shaped bruise on your neck, your stomach turned and bile rose in your throat. Maybe when the bruise was gone, you would be able to look Kylo in the eyes again and things might go back to some sort of normal. 

The thing that unsettled you most was how clear the handprint on your neck was. If you looked close enough you were sure you could make out fingerprints in the bruise. 

On the third day, the bruise had lightened and had turned a green and yellow colour. At least it was healing quickly. 

That night as you crawled into bed, you noticed Kylo watching you out of the corner of his eye. You knew he was itching to say something. 

His voice rumbled through the air as your name left his lips. 

“We should talk.” He spoke lowly. 

You shifted uncomfortably with the covers as you realised you couldn’t avoid this any longer. 

“Okay.” You replied, still not looking at him. 

“I’m sorry for what I did, but you shouldn’t have woken me.” 

You head snapped towards him at his words, shocked by his bluntness. His back was straight and his jaw clenched. 

“Are you blaming me for this?” Your voice rose slightly as you attempted to keep your emotions under control. 

“If you hadn’t have woken me, I wouldn’t have done what I did.” 

Unbelievable.

“Do you even remember what happened?” He looked at you then, curiosity in his eyes. “You were screaming Kylo. All wanted was the help you!” 

He didn’t reply. You could see the cogs turning in his head as he tried to process your words. He clearly didn’t remember that night the same as you do. 

“I don’t know what you were dreaming about Kylo... But if you told me I might be able to understand why you did what you did.” Your voice was still hoarse and you fiddled with the blanket to avoid his stare. 

You heard him sigh deeply and your name left his lips once again. 

“You wouldn’t understand...” He said firmly. “No one understands.” 

Your heart ached at his words. You know you shouldn’t be so quick to sympathise, but there was something about his screams that haunted you. The agony and the pain that filled those screams... you’ll never be able to forget them.

“Kylo...” You spoke softly, turning to look at him. His head was hung low. He was ashamed of something, you could feel it rolling off him. “If there is anyone in this galaxy who understands you, it’s me.” 

His eyes met yours. He was unsure and cautious, but you could see some tension eased from his shoulders. You smiled weakly at him, you wanted to resolve this. 

You debated your next move, but decided it was safe judging by his body language. Once again, you reached out to him. Your hand softly landed on his forearm. 

He watched your hand for a moment before placing his hand over yours. The warmth that radiated from him instantly eased your apprehension. 

“I need to tell you something.” He spoke. 

“Anything.” 

“It’s about Han Solo.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this one is shorter than most of my chapters but I promise the next one will be longer and definitely more... steamy 😏😉. 
> 
> Update coming soon! Kudos and comments are always appreciated!


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